So I sit with you

I find very little in this world is more troublesome to me than watching a loved one deal with heartache. Heartache that's caused by unavoidable, unforgiving life. Whatever it may be, addiction, cancer, loneliness, death, I want nothing more than to remove the cause of heartache. I feel inadequate and unable to convey how much I love and care for them and that I would do whatever they ask if it would lessen the pain and shit they're dealing with.
All my problems and crap that I'm dealing with seems so petty and inconsequential that it's easy to shake off. I stained my favorite shirt, I weigh 10 pounds more than I'd like, the boy I liked didn't pan out, it's all diminished once I place it on the scales with the unrelenting heartache of my loved ones. So I sit with them... By a fire listening to music, silence, soft sobs hoping it'll help at least a little.

Jaded? Maybe...

Conclusion. Relationships are a waste of my time. I'm tired of trying to have a positive outlook and keep my chin up.

Apathy cures what ails you

You know whats great about apathy? Lots of things! For example it can aid you when you're going to meet someone important for the first time. If you are apathetic towards the persons importance and the situation in general chances are you're not going to be nervous and do something stupid and awkward. It can also prove useful when you're playing a game, any game really,including the romantic kind. In game playing if you don't care about the outcome, score, or whether you win or lose TA-DA you've already won. I've been a little apathetic lately about certain aspects of my life and it's been kinda nice! Not having to worry about things makes life so much simpler. And that's most definitely what I need. What I don't need is drama, wishy-washy people, fair weather friends, social obligations, and so on and so forth. When I feel even the slightest hint of anything that would add unnecessary stress to my life I'm just going to simply and quietly remove myself from that situation or person and let my apathy be my guide. This in no way means I'm not going to be open to new opportunities but I'll definitely be approaching them differently. Instead of hoping I make a good first impression or get a high score or perform the best I will only concern myself with my own well being and then let everything else happen as it may. So hopefully I can conquer those stupid feelings of jealousy, frustration, shame, fear, or what else have you and replace them with bit of apathy.

out with the old in with the new

Looking back on 2011 it's quite clear that this has been one of the most emotionally, physically, mentally challenging and exhausting years I've ever had. I was taking on quite a taxing load in school and was spending every free moment I had in the library or math lab studying and studying and studying some more. I was also trying to be as healthy as I could be so when I had a moment to spare from work and school I would visit the gym. This hardly left any time for play and when I get so over run with things I HAVE to do I start to rebel against them. This happened and my grades suffered... meh. I was hopelessly school girl crush giddy over a boy who I was pretty sure wasn't all that interested in me which of course only made me want him more. and more. and more. Some how, we ended up spending time together. My theory on the "why" it all got started is loneliness, this guy was lonely and we got along well enough as friends, we had similar interests and I'm not to shabby to look at. Mix that in with a dash of loneliness and Valentines day and you've got the makings of the disaster that was my love life for the year of 2011. I fell hard, I fell fast... end result.. I got burned. No need for gory details because this blog is already littered with them but suffice it to say it didn't bode well for me. So I've decided to try and completely let go because some people will likely keep repeating the same mistakes and continue to be miserable and I need to remove myself from trying to care about them and be there for them because it does me no good. Even though this wasn't the greatest year, I've had a few months to try and piece back together my demolished heart and I started to see the light at the end of a very long tunnel. I began to date again. Went on a few nice dates but nothing of significance until around November, one guy started to stand out above the others. Ended up he wasn't who I thought he was. Turns out he's the kind of guy who scours dating websites or personal ads looking for anyone who will pay a little bit of attention to him. Texting girl after girl after girl trying to fill some kind of void or maybe he's simply just a man-whore. There were no warning signs, no red flags, no buzzers going of indicating major douchey creeper, but a douche-tastic sack of poo is what he turned out to be. It's quite a shame too because I was starting to really REALLY like this guy. I'm glad I discovered what a waste of my time he was before it got too deep. I also learned that I shouldn't go snowboarding with Douche-tastic creeps ESPECIALLY on Sundays because you will only pay very dearly for it. I paid in the form of a broken back, something I don't recommend... avoid it if you can! I had the pleasurable experience *cue the sarcasm* of breaking my back in the beginning of December, I haven't decided if I want to write about the experience in detail because it was something that shook me to my core and has been both a blessing and a curse. I'm sure when I come out on the other side of it completely unscathed I might lean more towards blessing than curse but for now it is not all sunshine and rainbows. Breaking my back was by far the big ending to this year. I learned quickly who I can always rely on and who is far to self centered to be bothered to help someone in need. I've learned to never assume you know what kind of person someone is... give them enough time and they'll show you who they really are and then you can decide if they're worth it to work it out. I'm going to try to make this next year a lot better by taking the valuable lessons I've learned about myself and life and avoid the same mistakes ... lol =) yeaaaaaaah! BRING IT!

Messed Up

There's something neither of us can break free of. I can't keep running at this pace. you puzzle over how we always end up in the same place. You play it over again in your head wondering why it just won't click, even though you say I'm great, I have all the right components. I get your message through fueled jumbled words. You've got a case of the Lonelies you've just let go of another great girl. I'm not a bit surprised to see your alias dance across the screen I pick up the line knowing I shouldn't and say hello when I really just want to scream. why can't I do whats best for me and forget everything I was hoping we'd have. Get passed all the hurt and pain you've caused and focus on all the bad. It still stings to hear you say "I'm not over her yet" of course you're not, I know it's her hand you wish to hold, her lips you'd rather kiss but just for tonight you'll pretend it's not real and use me to forget. There's no blame on either side, we're both well aware of where it's going, we can pretend all we want but it doesn't erase knowing. I tell myself next time I'll ignore the call, next time I'll be much smarter. Maybe next time I'll care more for myself, protect my heart instead of making everything harder. It's the first time we've said goodbye before the sun came up, I guess neither wants to see the damage that's been done no light to illuminate how badly we've messed ourselves up.

Say Anything

Climbing out of shadows

Love having the kind of day like I had yesterday! I felt great, confident, and apathetic towards him. HA! He means less and less to me everyday and that is a GREAT feeling! I may be slow to let go of things but every one processes things on their own time. I knew I'd get to this point, I just needed time. Now comes the fun part where I start to open my eyes and my confidence in myself starts to build back up after being knocked down a few pegs. It's all part of life and growing and even though we can't see the bright side of things when we're in the midst of shadows and emotional hurricanes, it's there, waiting for us to climb out of everything and enjoy the light again. Now I must go dance and enjoy my life, it is a beautiful one after all =) WOOOOOOT!