It is not easy however when you can't avoid this person. It's not as simple as it should be when you have to watch this person be unaffected by anything that took place over the course of your "relationship" and move so quickly onto the next thing. Having to endure his eyes that are full of hate and anger looking at me, having to shift through the silence between the two of us when we are unavoidably near each other is like a black hole that can suck out any happiness or joy that I've felt that day. It becomes something tangible that I can feel in the pit of my stomach that I can't will away as desperately as I try it creeps in and begins to thrash around destroying everything in it's vicinity.
I know logically that it wasn't a good relationship. I know that it was all very one sided and that I was making most of the effort and that I was so willing to see past HUGE red flags because I was optimistic.. or maybe I was just foolish.
Either way when I lay all the evidence out and examine it it's clear to me that it was a toxic relationship and I lost my mind and was always stressed out about never knowing if things were going to be up or down that week. If I texted him or called him would I get a reply, or would there be radio silence, sometimes for days and days. If I got too playful would it be reciprocated? If I wanted to snuggle up and be close would I be pushed away? If I mentioned that I was hurt or frustrated by all these things would that freak him out even more because being hurt means there's some kind of attachment and emotional investment coming from my end?
My amazing little brother has the ability to put the most amazing perspective on things when I can't seem to see through the pain to figure out what to do. He said so simply one day that being angry about being hurt, avoiding, ignoring or trying to escape from those feelings will only make it worse. It only feeds into more negativity and more hurt and then more anger about being hurt. He said the best way to get passed it and get over it is to just be nice, treat this person like I would treat a friend that had never been anything more than just a friend. Rewind everything and go back to the way I interacted with this person before I threw my heart on the line and keep doing that until the hurt, frustration and anger all break apart and disappear.
I can't wait for the day when I feel nothing about him, it will inevitably happen, it always does. I just don't like the waiting game. I don't like the inbetween time when you're trying to get to that point of apathy when it comes to seeing their face or hearing their name. If I could have an "on" "off" switch I'd be golden. All in due time I guess.
