dissappearing people

It's odd how some people will just up and disappear or cut you out of their life for no apparent reason. There was no warning or indicator that it would happen or any notification from them that it did happen. You just notice one day that, they've surgically removed you as a friend or someone they once cared about. It kinda stings, especially when you've shared a part of your life with that person, when you were once very close and spoke with them often.
I hope whatever reason they felt they needed to remove me it wasn't because of anything I did. If it was I hope they'll forgive me for my indiscretion whatever that may be.
*sigh* ces la vie

hmmph

I haven't slept in 28 hours... I probably wont sleep until tonight and I don't know if it's the combination of stress from finals on top of no sleep, but I'm getting annoyed. I'm in the midst of this situation that is just so damn confusing. I'm constantly second guessing myself trying to figure out whats going on so that I have the upper hand but it's just not working in my favor. I'm usually very good at figuring people out, reading them, knowing EXACTLY what to say... but every once in a while someone will come along and make me stumble over my damn words like a moron. I say the stupidest things, act silly, unlike myself and then I just want to slam my head against the wall to forget how retarded I was.
I swear when I'm not flustered I'm actually normal (well... kinda) and articulate but some people just have the ability to unravel me and then it all turns to poo at that point.
I'm to the point of deciding to actually invest some butterflies into this situation or smother them as soon as I feel them and completely do a 180 and ignore this person. It's called self preservation. Stop the awkward, uncomfortable, word stumbling idiocy and butterflies before it gets out of control and I get seriously disappointed. I try to stifle the girly over analyzing shit that we tend to do and see the facts for what they really are...


P.S school can suck it!
p.p.s I just want this stress to go away so I can go back to being happy and light hearted and optimistic!
p.p.s.s.s.s.s.s.s I am in desperate need of some de-stressing and yoga! gotta get my zen on!
namaste

*deleted*

*select, cut, delete*
had a whole blog here... revealed WAY too much, let slip some juicy tid bits, decided better against it. But it might just be worth it to write it down in my physical journal.
*bangs head against wall* I suck at Boys! The ones I want, can't have. The ones I don't want, want me.. grrrrarrrrggg *forehead slap*

So my roommate Kami and I had a really good discussion the other day about facial hair. I like guys with scruff... there's no getting around it. I find the scruffy goatee is probably my favorite... or that little bit that's right underneath the middle of the bottom lip. I don't know what it's called but I like it. I like hair that looks messy and boys that are nerdy. The thing I fall victim to the most though is the wink, I don't know what it is about the wink but it makes me feel all kinds of giddy. And as much as I HATE to admit it I get a little weak in the knees when a guy calls me babe or beautiful or doll or kid or any variation of those kinds of pet names. I know there are a lot of girls out there who hate those kinds of names but I like it, however I only like it when I'm the only one they're calling those names. If that's just how the speak to all girls then it has the opposite effect. It turns me off!
Give me a guy with good beard, who winks at me calls me babe and I'm a freaking goner! Sprinkle some guitar and a sexy voice in there and I'm in trouble!
Okay... break time over back to homework. I've got to get my mind straight... no more thinking about guys, it's distracting me from school, work, and sleep.

Freakin Balls!!!

Something is out of sorts, amiss, awry... I just don't know what. I've got so many thoughts running through my head right now. The last two weeks have been interesting for lack of a better term. They haven't been difficult, nor easy, it's just been... interesting.
I feel like I've forgotten how to be me, or is it that I'm just going through one of those phases where I become a different version of me. Is this what it's like to grow up? I think what I'm feeling really is that I've become the best me I can become by myself and I'd like to be able to share my oddities and nerdiness, love for sushi, traveling, movies, music, non-contact sports, documentaries etc.. with someone who is just as nerdy and quirky as me. I'd like to feel that familiar feeling of knowing someone so well that you don't actually have to say anything but you still manage to know how the other is feeling or even what they're thinking at times. But on the flip side I want to be able to have the type of exploratory conversations with them like I'm on an excavating mission to find the buried treasures of their thoughts. The kinds of conversations that newly acquainted compatible strangers seem to so easily have.
Recently I've found that those types of conversations are few and far between. I used to be able to sit at my favorite coffee shop in Sugar House and have these crazy conversations into the wee hours of the night, now I either don't have much invested in the other person or they don't care two licks about me. I think the latter is more or less the case for the most part.

Blah whatever... freakin balls! I'll just continue on my merry little way and keep hummin along. A partner in crime to snuggle to and geek out with would be nice though.

Upon revision I will most likely delete this post due to the "poor me" tone... I really am not bummed by this, just slightly annoyed and impatient. My face would never give it away though. A friend of mine the other day said something that I've always known about myself... for the most part, you can't tell what is going on or how I'm feeling just by the expression on my face. His exact words were "I've already picked up on the fact that Jax's facial expressions rarely indicate what she's actually feeling at the moment" ... so true.

grrrrrr

sleep, you evil evil tease... you've left me here exhausted and yet unable to doze off. I've I liked milk I would drink a warm glass, if I wasn't such a light weight I would take something, if I had someone to snuggle up to I would probably already be out. Sleep I just wanted to let you know that YOU SUCK... but I wish you would come back to me!

I keep getting this feeling that I should start mentally preparing myself for the next Phase of my life. I keep having the strong desire to pay off every little bit of debt I have and by little bit I really mean little bit. I owe less than $500.00 total not including student loans. I really REALLY hate debt of any kind. I hate knowing that the money I work hard for has to be used to pay someone else before I can pay myself.
Along with this feeling to get rid of my debt I also have the urge to save every penny I make waiting tables and hoard it all so I have at least 5K. I don't have anything particular that I need 5K for but the feeling is there all the same and I don't think I should ignore it. That being said I'm really enjoying working at Texas Roadhouse as a server. I think part of the reason is because I get to talk to people all day long and I work with some pretty cool people too. I'm saving up all the cash I get and stowing it away so I can feel super rich holding a huge wad of green!
The only down side to working so much is I have less time for school and even less time cultivating and maintaining my close friendships. It's great to have face time with complete strangers but it's surface and not like face time with close friends. For that reason and the fact that I feel a little over whelmed with school right now I'm a little stressed out, when I get stressed I seem to get sick, particularly with a cold. Maybe it's my body's way of slowing me down because otherwise I wouldn't be able to stop myself sometimes.
With that being said I'm looking forward to the last year of my undergraduate career ( and it's been a career for sure) I can't wait to be able to start Grad school, where ever that may be. All I know is I think I need to move out of Utah and go somewhere new for a while to do grad school. I am and will always be a city girl. Every new big city I visit makes me feel like I can do anything, I don't know why I feel that way but I do. I just want to go somewhere that is culturally different than Utah. I also want to TRAVEL. Ideally would like to travel with my husband but I don't know where he is yet but when I meet him I hope he's as fond of big cities and traveling and live music as I am. I also hope he likes The Big Bang Theory and Dexter!
Why am I talking about my husband?!?! I'm not even dating anyone... I feel like I'm rambling, it must be the cold medicine! Speaking of having a cold, Halls vitamin C cough drops are freaking DELICIOUS! I feel like I'm eating candy.
Okay, time to study for my math test.... I feel like the last year of school has been nothing but one big long math test study session.

Time keeps on slippin slippin slippin into the future...

The fifth floor of the library here at UVU is a lovely place to study. I have a few spots on this campus that I find conducive to getting the academic juices flowing, the library is my GO-TO spot. Down stairs in the lunch table/cafe' area is a good one because it provides enough ambient noise that I don't get distracted by or hyper focused on minute noises... like my own breathing. There's also the second floor of the library at the top of the ramp, the tables and seating there are great and there's plenty of sun light. The sunlight at times can be quite annoying though depending on where your sitting and if you're on your computer. If you're sitting in the cafe area at about 3 or 4 in the afternoon then you're going to be bombarded with sun DIRECTLY shining on your computer screen making it very difficult to see what you're working on. However the heat balances out the freezing cold temperature UVU has dictated that the library must maintain at all times regardless of the outside temperature. For a while I tried studying on the 4th floor or the library but found out quickly that 55 degrees was just far too cold for me to be able to concentrate properly. Also it's so dang quiet there that the tap tap tap of my laptop key board is so loud I feel like I might as well be banging on a marching band type drum... I feel as though everyone is secretly harboring feelings of animosity because my typing is so loud, I guess I could do my facebooking in a not so studious part of the library. The fourth floor is designated strictly for those doing homework via paper. So here I sit on the 5th floor, I feel like Goldy Locks, I've found my not too hot, not too cold, just right study spot. Plus the view of the lake from up here is kinda nice too.
I've been restless lately, I feel like there is something bothering me but I can't really pin point what. It could be partly because I'm feeling more and more disconnected with my ward, which is probably my fault but I find it difficult to relate to or develop close friendships with people who've JUST graduated high school. Lately I've been wanting more and more to have an apartment to myself, no roommates, just me. Not that I don't like my roommates but I just kinda want my own space to govern as a dictatorship and not live in a democracy. Just me and my puppy Duchess in a place where I can have things just the way I like it. Knowing me though I'd probably get lonely really quick and want someone else living there just so I wouldn't get bored. Who knows maybe I'm just feeling reclusive lately and need a change of pace to shake things up... now that I think about it I could definitely use a good shaking, I am willing to accept offers from handsome fellas for the task at hand!
I'm feeling the time crunch of an impending 8 page paper... of course I've waited till the last minute to work on it. I tell myself every semester that I will get ahead and do everything before hand annnnnnnd it never happens. GRRRRR I'm trying to change habits of procrastination but I just keep putting it off. Maybe someday I'll be super girl getting things done ahead of time. But for now the clock is ticking down and I've got 8 pages of personality profiling to fill.

Ahhh The dating game

So... I had no idea how serious everyone was about dating down here in Orem until I started getting off handed comments when my age was revealed to my classmates.
Sample conversation:
person: whats you're major?
me: psychology, I plan to go on and get my masters.
person: oh that's really cool. What year in school are you?
me: Junior.
person: How old are you.
*here's where it gets interesting for me...
me: how old would you think I am?
person: I don't know maybe 21, 22.
me: I'll be 26 soon.
person: WHOA?!?! REALLY?! NO WAY?! I would've never guessed. Are you married?

This is just an example of the way many conversations I've had this school year. More often than not the conversation then takes a turn to marriage and if I'm dating anyone or if I want to get married... etc. I guess I didn't realize till this year that in Utah, (especially in Utah County) if you're female, single, and passed the age of 23, you're a rare and usual specimen. It makes dating interesting as well... I find myself dating guys who are 2-3 years younger than myself and for the most part it's not that big of a deal but at times I feel at odds with things. I would have to say that for me being almost 26 and single isn't a big deal. It's only become a big deal this last year when I've been informed of how unusual and uncommon it is. I enjoy the comments that people give when they think I need to be comforted, as if I'm in emotional turmoil because of single sister status.
Dating seriously is another thing that I've never really thought about until this year. Before when I would date a guy it was mostly just for fun. I knew that it would never really go anywhere because they were guys I'd meet at house parties or bars. Now that I've been considering things a little more seriously the guys that I've been dating appear differently to me, I see the whole dating game in a different light. I've learned a few things recently.
* I want to get married in the temple
* I want my husband to have the preisthood
those are the two main qualifiers the rest of this list is just things I'd prefer... a shopping list of traits if you will.
* I would like to be able to wear 4 inch heals and have him still be taller than me (or at least the same height) being 5'10 myself makes this one a little more difficult to find. I had it once and it was AWESOME!
* I would like him to sing and play the guitar... why? because I'm a sucker for a musician!
* He needs to be funny and have a similar warped sense of humor to mine and my family. My brothers talked about the kinds of tricks they can do with their male parts one year during Christmas dinner... that should give you an idea of how "warped" I'm talking here. I recently dated a guy that made me laugh ALL the time... I was seriously considering in investing in some adult diapers because I was sure that at some point he would make me laugh to the point of peeing my pants!
* He needs to be into exercising and eating healthy. I don't want to be a fatty, have a fatty husband or fatty kids!!!
* I would like to be able to share my musical interests with him.
* He MUST like sushi!!!
* I'd prefer him being open to living in Cali... particularly San Diego.
* Enjoys traveling

These are mostly minor things that aren't deal breakers but I do enjoy these qualities. What sucks is when you find someone with all of these qualities and everything matches up and there's an amazing physical chemistry as well and yet... it just doesn't work out. I can't blame him for doing what he felt was right but... still sucks! I felt super comfortable with him, laughed all the time, jammed... it was good.
oh well this is just part of the process of sifting through everything to find the ones that compliment me the best...

I want to go back to being uneducated!

I spent 8 hours in the library yesterday studying my biology book. I was super efficient at taking notes and actually understood what I was reading (HUGE SHOCK)!
I am not a scientifically inclined person so this biology class is basically like pulling teeth for me. It probably doesn't help that I also want to punch my professor in the balls! His advice when I said I was struggling despite my long hours reading and studying.... "read some more, study harder" ... pretty much word for word that is what he said. Not only that but his lectures are scattered and he often throws in commentary that has absolutely NOTHING to do with biology. I think he just likes to hear himself speak. Well this class is probably going to be a wash for me for a few reasons... The ones I mentioned above as well as the fact that by the time I get to my biology class, which is right after 2 hours of math, my brain is FBAR (F'd Beyond All Recognition) and I have no brain space left to shove anymore info in there. I have a bio test today. I'm not expecting to do very well but I HOPE HOPE HOPE that I will be able to guess correctly at least. Oh also... another reason why I HATE this professor... a 15 page study guide.... 15 PAGES???? WTF!?
Oh did I mention I also have a math test Tomorrow... and like 8 sections of a zillion math problems to catch up on. YAAAAAAY!
I can't wait for spring break... I want the learning to just stop for a while...

To Chose or Not to Chose?

I have recently discovered that sometimes there are certain aspects of your life that you have less control over than you might like. I could say this about how I came to live in “Happy Valley” and joined the ranks of those attending Utah Valley University. When I was 18 and fresh out of high school I didn’t really care much about where I was going or what I was going to do when I got there so I followed some friends of mine up to Logan Utah and enrolled at Utah State. At the end of my two-year stint I left Logan with a collective knowledge that would be less likely to help me in the working world and more likely to benefit me in any local bar. I was leery to move back to my parent’s house in Magna but I was grateful for the fact that I would no longer have to wake up to the smell of cow dung and sheep urine, a typical aroma floating around USU’s campus in the morning. I quickly got in the groove of spending my free time with fair-weather friends at my favorite bars; I also very quickly forgot the values and morals I was raised with. The things that I learned while growing up in an LDS family were no longer affecting my decisions. As my social life was expanding I was losing the person that I knew I was. The lifestyle that I had grown accustomed to for the last 7 years flipped upside down on its self. I was left staring a huge fork in the path that would be my life; I just didn’t know which way to turn.
My first experience with college life was great; I did everything that any upstanding good Mormon girl would do after leaving the confines of her religious nest. I discovered and was educated in Kings cup, I Have Never, and Bull Shit 101, some of the best drinking games around. The entire two years I spent up at USU were occupied with staying up too late, sleeping through the majority of my classes, and hanging out with the ever so upstanding group of gentlemen otherwise known as Frat Guys. It was these wonderful future leaders of our society that introduced me to the magic of social lubrication. The classes that I did manage to attend were always my theater courses, this was partly because they were enjoyable and partly because the group of friends I made in those classes were some of the best partiers I had come across. Occasionally I went to a Biology or Geology class, that consequently I failed; however if there were any classes on drinking I would’ve most definitely received an A++. While attending Utah State everything I did was about partying and having a good time and trying to figure out who I really was outside of parental control, unfortunately I went about it the wrong way.
Two years later and I was moving back to my parents home in Magna. I quickly enrolled at Salt Lake Community College to appease my parents and began hitting up my favorite watering holes with my drinkin’ buddies. I had left Utah State but I had brought back my party attitude and desire for always having a good time. Tensions grew between my parents and I due to the difference in opinion about the way I was living. I moved into my own apartment in the heart of down town Salt Lake where everything I could possibly want was within either walking distance or a quick scooter ride. I had a great job, plenty of disposable income and a plethora of friends who were merely a quick text message away and always willing to join me at the Tavernacle, Piper Down, Gracies, or any other over priced down town bar. I was living a great life, enjoying being young and carefree, and not having any real responsibility or at least I thought I was. A down turn in the economy and one lay off due to budget cuts later and I no longer had disposable income or any income for that matter. I was forced to make a decision about my future and quick. Going back to school was the best option. I knew I needed a better education if I wanted to have a better chance at financial security later in life so I applied to the University of Utah. My horrible grades from Utah State and the few classes that I had taken at SLCC were no where near what they needed to be to get into the U. Fortunately for me UVU was open enrollment and was accepting pretty much every one and their dog.
Utah Valley University wasn’t my first choice of school. Hell it wasn’t even my second or 3rd. UVU was probably second to last on my list of University’s I wanted to attend for the remainder of my academic career, the last being BYU. But here I am part of the crowd, a Wolverine attending UVU in the great Happy Valley where everyone wears their religion like a status symbol instead of internalizing it and making it personal. Being raised a Mormon outside of Utah by parents who didn’t join the church until they were adults, caused me to have a different outlook on my religion. My family and I enjoy the fact that we’re not like typical “Utah Mormons”, those who follow the culture and not the spirit of the religion. Moving down to Orem and being immersed in and surrounded by everything Mormon, I couldn’t help but begin to thaw. My spirit, and the person I was slowly started to shine through once again after the alcohol from the last shot had long since left my body. I discovered that the people I considered my friends up in Salt Lake didn’t care to keep in contact with me after I moved, it was as if I had never been a part of their lives. I have since taken the trash out so to speak and I rid my life of people who don’t truly care about me. I’m now surrounded with an amazing core group of friends who genuinely care about my well-being. Whether I’m a good upstanding member of their congregation or if I let them see that I’m human and prone to making very dumb mistakes it doesn’t matter to them. They love me regardless and I feel that the path I’ve taken in the proverbial fork in my life has led me to a good place. I feel at peace now with who I am and the way I am living my life more than I ever have. At first I lived in Orem Utah because the only University that I could afford and would accept me was UVU. Now I live in Orem because I feel like I was guided here and at this moment in my life it’s where I’m supposed to be.

Procrastination at it's best.

At this very moment I should be writing my paper for my English class.... "Why I Live Where I Live", it should be simple right?!?! WRONG. I'm going through my memory banks and thinking about all the steps that lead me to live here in Happy Valley. How I went from being a party girl hanging out at bars and living it up to being the Family Home Evening Chairman in my ward. I've gone from feeling like a complete stranger here in Orem to feeling like this is home (for the time being). I enjoy spending time with the friends that I've made down here and love the crazy things we do and the type of living situation we have. It's very much like the show friends. The boys live two doors down and they're always walking our apartment or we're walking into theirs. Knocking is usually a foreign concept when it comes to entering each others apartments. Having an awesome group of friends has definitely made this year bearable. Last year I took every opportunity that came my way to drive the 45 minutes to Salt Lake to spend my free time hanging out with fair-weather friends at the bar. Saturday mornings with my friend Natalie are probably the only thing I miss about going up to Salt Lake. I pretty much had a good time every time I hung out with Natalie. We went to the bars a lot but my favorite part was just hanging out doing girly stuff on the weekends. Plus her little dog Trooper is probably the 2nd cutest dog ever... the first being my pup Duchess =)
With the changes that have recently taken place in my life I would have to say that while there are times that I miss the social atmosphere and the good times that come along with a few casual drinks here and there, I really like the solid friendships that I'm cultivating now.
Oye... I think I've written as much mushy stuff as I can possibly handle for the time being.
Jax OUT!

Really?!?! that's odd!

So, first day back for me except I didn't go. I hate HATE the first day. The syllabus is by far the most boring thing that gets discussed all year and I don't feel like participating when the majority of questions are going to be from the teens who are fresh out of high school. That and I have a legitimate excuse. I was up late the night before hehe. I didn't get home till 3 AM. I will blame that one on my very handsome boyfriend who left the country this morning. He was staying at a friends house in Salt Lake and I was still up that way from having dinner with my parents. That and I had to take a little detour on the way back to Orem to pick up my guitar from my awesome guitar duder guy! Guitar Czar is the best just FYI. Anywhoozle by the time I was done doing that the fella was already leaving Orem on his way up to Salt Lake so I figured I'd hang around and wait so I could see him and say good bye. By the time he got up to SLC at 11:45 I was already exhausted and ready for bed. Physically I could barely find the motivation to move, snowboarding for 6+ hours will do that to a person. So I get there and he see's how tired I am and suggests that I take a small nap before attempting to drive the 45 minutes back to my apartment. I agreed (I'm not about to give up an opportunity to snuggle with my fella) and quickly dozed off. 2 AM woke me with a jolt. I don't know why I just sat right up and was ready to go home. The nap was a good idea because my head didn't bob and I didn't blink my eyes longer than normal the whole way home. I climbed into bed and was out again. I knew there was no way I'd be up in time to go to class.
I got ready for the day and headed out to return a shirt that I got a week or two ago and to my pleasant surprised ended up getting two shirts for the price of one. I was browsing the rack to find a suitable exchange and I grabbed one a friend said looked nice, tried it on and decided it was the winner. When I took the shirt up to the counter the girl rang it up and said "do you want to grab another shirt cause this one rang up for only a penny?" I wasn't about to argue with her so I grabbed another one that I liked and voila two new shirts. WOOT WOOT!
Came home and then headed back out with the roommie and neighbor boy to see a movie. On our way back we hit up the ever so tasty Del Taco and then Spoon Me... can I just say that Spoon Me is DELICIOUS!!!! NOM NOM NOM. Whats even better is the one in Provo isn't full of scenester douchey annoying 19 year olds that just want to be seen like the down town Salt Lake one. Then it was back home. All in all it was a really good day.... except for one thing. He wasn't there. I hate when he's gone. He makes me so ridiculously happy and when he's not around it just sucks! what can I say... I'm in love with the guy!

What a wonder a decade can make.

So it's a few days after the New Year has been rung in and I have to say looking back on the last 10 years has been interesting. 10 years ago I couldn't drive, it was my sophomore year in high school and sometimes I felt like 10 years away was an eternity away. Looking back is another story. I feel like I just barely left high school and all the friends and relationships with people that I had had. High school was fun and I have some really great memories from that time. When I think back on them the majority involve the same people. My friend Jenn and I got into more trouble and did some of the dumbest things I think any two teenagers can do without actually getting arrested. I'm sure we came close on several occasions though.
Since I graduated high school and began my college years (which are taking a REALLY LONG TIME) I started going to Utah State University right after graduation, did that for two years. It was during my second year up there that I received a guitar for christmas and decided that I wanted to start playing. When I started I didn't really know what I wanted to accomplish with the guitar I just knew that I wanted to play. Fast forward to a year and a half later and I played my first gig. I was HOOKED from then on. Since then I've been playing gigs and have traveled a bit to play. I've made some awesome friends and have had some pretty unbelievable experiences because of music. After I moved home from the two years of Utah State I began working so I could save up money to continue going to school at SLCC. I did that for a bit while I worked but while I was there I mostly took music classes, I didn't much care about my actual education. It hasn't been until a year and half ago when I started attending UVU that I really got back into the swing of things. I'm going to school full time now and trying to finish my degree in psychology as soon as possible so that I can then begin working on my Masters Degree. I'm enjoying life right now. WOOOT WOOOOT