Stupid nuts making my face blow up!!

Why do I keep hoping that I'll come home from work and be surprised and see the one thing I want more than anything right now? I feel like there's something missing, I know exactly what it is... That little electricity, buzz of excitement I'd feel when my phone would go off. That's gone. I hate it. The silence is torture....
On a side note I was offered some chocolate from See's candies tonight at work which was awesome, LOVE it when I get free candy. I'm pretty careful when it comes to candy and chocolates and desserts to always check and make sure there aren't any walnuts, pecans, cashews or Brazil nuts in them. A cherry Bon Bon seemed innocent enough so down the hatch it went... Well it must have had a tiny piece of nut on it somewhere cause 30 minutes later and my eyes were swelling up and my throat was starting to feel tight. Luckily I had my epi pen in my bag.... However I dropped it and the spring loaded part that injects the medicine broke... Sooooooo I had to rush home to find my back up and use that. Those bad boys cost $70 a pop... So basically tonight was a bust cause I just used up 140$ of epi pen... Uuiuuuuuuuugh. I need a good snuggle.

Music is...

Music is my therapy. Music fills me with whatever could be lacking. Music calms troubled thoughts. Music helps me express what I can't articulate with words alone. Music centers me. Music heals. Today music is my companion and is serving as a blanket and snuggle buddy. Today music is filling in for something I've had to let go of and completely walk away from. Today music is everything.

Trash trash trash

Yesterday was a day, that's for sure. Emotional roller coaster, the reasons don't matter but let me just say my heart was uneasy, my mind was uneasy, everything was just a big ol' pile a poo.
When I got to work I didn't want to take my head phones out, didn't want to talk to anyone, didn't want to deal. To top my evening off I had to deal with a falling down sloppy drunk at my bar top and one of my regulars offering me money in exchange for showing him one of my nipples... Nothing like having someone even think that, that's an okay thing to ask. Being treated like a piece of trash whore was the topper on the whole shit cake....
Glad yesterday is over....

You should always listen to your inner Jiminy Cricket

It's time to be smart, listen to the little voice that was saying "maybe you shouldn't do that". Acknowledge that there's a reason that voice is telling you that before you do something really STUPID! Sometimes you can't control who you have feelings for, but you can control whether you allow yourself to develop more deeper feelings... and sometimes it's necessary to nip it in the bud before you're in too deep. Sometimes those decisions are made easier for you because it's the only option, there is no other choice, it's been made for you. Whew... having that decision taken out of my hands makes it all the easier to let go and continue on. I felt uneasy and uncomfortable in the back of my mind, almost for the entire duration... I told that little voice "shut up I know what I'm doing" but I didn't. I'm glad that it's over before anything could've happened. Now... put my head down, concentrate on whats important, and CARRRRRRRY OOOOOONNNN

A little panic before bed time.

What is this sinking feeling in my gut? Like everyone is hanging out together having a great time doing awesome things and it hit's you, you weren't invited. More and more I am starting to realize (or maybe fear) that I will pass the point of being "a little older than the rest" and become the weirdo, the one that seems normal but for whatever reason she hasn't found that special someone. I feel like everyone is moving on with that "next step" in their life and I've become stagnant. Stale. passed the recommended "use by" date. I'm terrified, I don't care what anyone says... "there's no specific time frame" "it'll happen when the time is right" etc.. sometimes I find it impossible to believe that when the time is right POOF as if by some sort of fairy godmother magic my prince charming will arrive. HORSE SHIT! All the prince charmings have found their princesses when those girls were 20, snatched em up good and young. That's this culture, get married when you're fresh out of high school and barely out of mommy and daddy's house, get married and start popping out the kiddos. So when you hit your late 20's and you haven't done that yet the only explanation possible is that something is wrong. I didn't believe it before, figured that maybe the timing wasn't right... now I'm wondering if the "timing" is running off of a far bigger clock than I am aware of. I would like this panic feeling to leave me alone now cause it's really messing with my sleep.

Forgot to remember....

I forget sometimes the things that are most important to me. Over the last couple of years I've forgotten how much I love music, I've forgotten the feeling that is boiling underneath the surface, the complete elation I feel when it's just me and my guitar and my raw emotions. I've had a few momentary reminders that it's still there, that it's not extinguished. I've gotten rusty, lazy, busy, preoccupied, consumed with life but when it comes down to it music is in my blood. It's a drug that I got hooked on and ever since I've had an itch, a desire for it. I'm moved by music, I'm fueled by it. It makes me happier than anything else. Lately I've been reminded of all that again. I played last night until my fingers felt like they were on fire, I felt like I was going to explode with happiness.

So I sit with you

I find very little in this world is more troublesome to me than watching a loved one deal with heartache. Heartache that's caused by unavoidable, unforgiving life. Whatever it may be, addiction, cancer, loneliness, death, I want nothing more than to remove the cause of heartache. I feel inadequate and unable to convey how much I love and care for them and that I would do whatever they ask if it would lessen the pain and shit they're dealing with.
All my problems and crap that I'm dealing with seems so petty and inconsequential that it's easy to shake off. I stained my favorite shirt, I weigh 10 pounds more than I'd like, the boy I liked didn't pan out, it's all diminished once I place it on the scales with the unrelenting heartache of my loved ones. So I sit with them... By a fire listening to music, silence, soft sobs hoping it'll help at least a little.