hmmph

I haven't slept in 28 hours... I probably wont sleep until tonight and I don't know if it's the combination of stress from finals on top of no sleep, but I'm getting annoyed. I'm in the midst of this situation that is just so damn confusing. I'm constantly second guessing myself trying to figure out whats going on so that I have the upper hand but it's just not working in my favor. I'm usually very good at figuring people out, reading them, knowing EXACTLY what to say... but every once in a while someone will come along and make me stumble over my damn words like a moron. I say the stupidest things, act silly, unlike myself and then I just want to slam my head against the wall to forget how retarded I was.
I swear when I'm not flustered I'm actually normal (well... kinda) and articulate but some people just have the ability to unravel me and then it all turns to poo at that point.
I'm to the point of deciding to actually invest some butterflies into this situation or smother them as soon as I feel them and completely do a 180 and ignore this person. It's called self preservation. Stop the awkward, uncomfortable, word stumbling idiocy and butterflies before it gets out of control and I get seriously disappointed. I try to stifle the girly over analyzing shit that we tend to do and see the facts for what they really are...


P.S school can suck it!
p.p.s I just want this stress to go away so I can go back to being happy and light hearted and optimistic!
p.p.s.s.s.s.s.s.s I am in desperate need of some de-stressing and yoga! gotta get my zen on!
namaste

*deleted*

*select, cut, delete*
had a whole blog here... revealed WAY too much, let slip some juicy tid bits, decided better against it. But it might just be worth it to write it down in my physical journal.
*bangs head against wall* I suck at Boys! The ones I want, can't have. The ones I don't want, want me.. grrrrarrrrggg *forehead slap*

So my roommate Kami and I had a really good discussion the other day about facial hair. I like guys with scruff... there's no getting around it. I find the scruffy goatee is probably my favorite... or that little bit that's right underneath the middle of the bottom lip. I don't know what it's called but I like it. I like hair that looks messy and boys that are nerdy. The thing I fall victim to the most though is the wink, I don't know what it is about the wink but it makes me feel all kinds of giddy. And as much as I HATE to admit it I get a little weak in the knees when a guy calls me babe or beautiful or doll or kid or any variation of those kinds of pet names. I know there are a lot of girls out there who hate those kinds of names but I like it, however I only like it when I'm the only one they're calling those names. If that's just how the speak to all girls then it has the opposite effect. It turns me off!
Give me a guy with good beard, who winks at me calls me babe and I'm a freaking goner! Sprinkle some guitar and a sexy voice in there and I'm in trouble!
Okay... break time over back to homework. I've got to get my mind straight... no more thinking about guys, it's distracting me from school, work, and sleep.

Freakin Balls!!!

Something is out of sorts, amiss, awry... I just don't know what. I've got so many thoughts running through my head right now. The last two weeks have been interesting for lack of a better term. They haven't been difficult, nor easy, it's just been... interesting.
I feel like I've forgotten how to be me, or is it that I'm just going through one of those phases where I become a different version of me. Is this what it's like to grow up? I think what I'm feeling really is that I've become the best me I can become by myself and I'd like to be able to share my oddities and nerdiness, love for sushi, traveling, movies, music, non-contact sports, documentaries etc.. with someone who is just as nerdy and quirky as me. I'd like to feel that familiar feeling of knowing someone so well that you don't actually have to say anything but you still manage to know how the other is feeling or even what they're thinking at times. But on the flip side I want to be able to have the type of exploratory conversations with them like I'm on an excavating mission to find the buried treasures of their thoughts. The kinds of conversations that newly acquainted compatible strangers seem to so easily have.
Recently I've found that those types of conversations are few and far between. I used to be able to sit at my favorite coffee shop in Sugar House and have these crazy conversations into the wee hours of the night, now I either don't have much invested in the other person or they don't care two licks about me. I think the latter is more or less the case for the most part.

Blah whatever... freakin balls! I'll just continue on my merry little way and keep hummin along. A partner in crime to snuggle to and geek out with would be nice though.

Upon revision I will most likely delete this post due to the "poor me" tone... I really am not bummed by this, just slightly annoyed and impatient. My face would never give it away though. A friend of mine the other day said something that I've always known about myself... for the most part, you can't tell what is going on or how I'm feeling just by the expression on my face. His exact words were "I've already picked up on the fact that Jax's facial expressions rarely indicate what she's actually feeling at the moment" ... so true.

grrrrrr

sleep, you evil evil tease... you've left me here exhausted and yet unable to doze off. I've I liked milk I would drink a warm glass, if I wasn't such a light weight I would take something, if I had someone to snuggle up to I would probably already be out. Sleep I just wanted to let you know that YOU SUCK... but I wish you would come back to me!

I keep getting this feeling that I should start mentally preparing myself for the next Phase of my life. I keep having the strong desire to pay off every little bit of debt I have and by little bit I really mean little bit. I owe less than $500.00 total not including student loans. I really REALLY hate debt of any kind. I hate knowing that the money I work hard for has to be used to pay someone else before I can pay myself.
Along with this feeling to get rid of my debt I also have the urge to save every penny I make waiting tables and hoard it all so I have at least 5K. I don't have anything particular that I need 5K for but the feeling is there all the same and I don't think I should ignore it. That being said I'm really enjoying working at Texas Roadhouse as a server. I think part of the reason is because I get to talk to people all day long and I work with some pretty cool people too. I'm saving up all the cash I get and stowing it away so I can feel super rich holding a huge wad of green!
The only down side to working so much is I have less time for school and even less time cultivating and maintaining my close friendships. It's great to have face time with complete strangers but it's surface and not like face time with close friends. For that reason and the fact that I feel a little over whelmed with school right now I'm a little stressed out, when I get stressed I seem to get sick, particularly with a cold. Maybe it's my body's way of slowing me down because otherwise I wouldn't be able to stop myself sometimes.
With that being said I'm looking forward to the last year of my undergraduate career ( and it's been a career for sure) I can't wait to be able to start Grad school, where ever that may be. All I know is I think I need to move out of Utah and go somewhere new for a while to do grad school. I am and will always be a city girl. Every new big city I visit makes me feel like I can do anything, I don't know why I feel that way but I do. I just want to go somewhere that is culturally different than Utah. I also want to TRAVEL. Ideally would like to travel with my husband but I don't know where he is yet but when I meet him I hope he's as fond of big cities and traveling and live music as I am. I also hope he likes The Big Bang Theory and Dexter!
Why am I talking about my husband?!?! I'm not even dating anyone... I feel like I'm rambling, it must be the cold medicine! Speaking of having a cold, Halls vitamin C cough drops are freaking DELICIOUS! I feel like I'm eating candy.
Okay, time to study for my math test.... I feel like the last year of school has been nothing but one big long math test study session.

Time keeps on slippin slippin slippin into the future...

The fifth floor of the library here at UVU is a lovely place to study. I have a few spots on this campus that I find conducive to getting the academic juices flowing, the library is my GO-TO spot. Down stairs in the lunch table/cafe' area is a good one because it provides enough ambient noise that I don't get distracted by or hyper focused on minute noises... like my own breathing. There's also the second floor of the library at the top of the ramp, the tables and seating there are great and there's plenty of sun light. The sunlight at times can be quite annoying though depending on where your sitting and if you're on your computer. If you're sitting in the cafe area at about 3 or 4 in the afternoon then you're going to be bombarded with sun DIRECTLY shining on your computer screen making it very difficult to see what you're working on. However the heat balances out the freezing cold temperature UVU has dictated that the library must maintain at all times regardless of the outside temperature. For a while I tried studying on the 4th floor or the library but found out quickly that 55 degrees was just far too cold for me to be able to concentrate properly. Also it's so dang quiet there that the tap tap tap of my laptop key board is so loud I feel like I might as well be banging on a marching band type drum... I feel as though everyone is secretly harboring feelings of animosity because my typing is so loud, I guess I could do my facebooking in a not so studious part of the library. The fourth floor is designated strictly for those doing homework via paper. So here I sit on the 5th floor, I feel like Goldy Locks, I've found my not too hot, not too cold, just right study spot. Plus the view of the lake from up here is kinda nice too.
I've been restless lately, I feel like there is something bothering me but I can't really pin point what. It could be partly because I'm feeling more and more disconnected with my ward, which is probably my fault but I find it difficult to relate to or develop close friendships with people who've JUST graduated high school. Lately I've been wanting more and more to have an apartment to myself, no roommates, just me. Not that I don't like my roommates but I just kinda want my own space to govern as a dictatorship and not live in a democracy. Just me and my puppy Duchess in a place where I can have things just the way I like it. Knowing me though I'd probably get lonely really quick and want someone else living there just so I wouldn't get bored. Who knows maybe I'm just feeling reclusive lately and need a change of pace to shake things up... now that I think about it I could definitely use a good shaking, I am willing to accept offers from handsome fellas for the task at hand!
I'm feeling the time crunch of an impending 8 page paper... of course I've waited till the last minute to work on it. I tell myself every semester that I will get ahead and do everything before hand annnnnnnd it never happens. GRRRRR I'm trying to change habits of procrastination but I just keep putting it off. Maybe someday I'll be super girl getting things done ahead of time. But for now the clock is ticking down and I've got 8 pages of personality profiling to fill.