I Wont Give Up

Back in the day if I was hurting I could always turn to music and it was an amazing cure for anything I was going through... I felt like I had lost a little of that until I heard this song. It made me fall in love with music all over again.






When I look into your eyes
It's like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise, so much they hold
and just like them old stars
see that you've come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?
I wont give up on us
even if the skies get rough
I'm given you all my love
I'm still looking up
and when you're needing your space
to do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting
to see what you find
Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We got a lot to learn
god knows we're worth it
No I wont give up
I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences do a lot to teach us how to use the tools and gifts we got
Yeah we got a lot at stake
and in the end you're still my friend
at least we did intend for us to work
we didn't break
we didn't burn
we had to learn
how to bend
without the world
cavin' in
I had to learn
what I got
and what I'm not
and who I am
I wont give up on us
even if the skies get rough
I'm given you all my love
I'm still looking up
So easy is our life
what's mine's yours and yours mine
hardly do we ever find
we'd rather be kind
I wont give up on us
even if the skies get dark
I'm healing this broken heart
and I know I'm worth it
I wont give up on us
God knows I'm tough
I am loved
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No I wont give up on us
God knows I'm tough enough
We got a lot to learn
and we're and we're worth it
No I wont give up.
No I wont give up.

Pretty much this song makes me feel like my heart is still capable of great things.

Selfish

Dear you, yup you. If you could just go away that'd be great. This would all be much MUCH easier for me. I could stop dreading the days that I know I won't be able to avoid you. I would be able to squash thoughts of comparing myself to you and seeing a mountain of flaws. I could nurse this pit in my stomach that burns and screams at me and won't let me sleep. I could stop hoping that maybe someday it'll eventually all workout in my favor. I would finally be able to break passed that first barrier and begin to move on. You're not helping the situation. In fact your making it worse and I really wish more than anything right now, that you would just go away! I know it's selfish and maybe that's wrong of me but I feel like I deserve a little bit of selfishness after all this B.S I've been through.

Hard as Steel, Cold as Ice!

I've literally started the first line to this blog about 7 different ways so far. Erased all of them. I don't have the patience for clever words or ambiguity right now. The bottom line is my heart is still hurting, I still care about him, yes I know that's all I've been able to talk about for a while but whatever I'll keep talking until it doesn't hurt. It's almost unbearable seeing the way he looks at her, the way he wants her, I'm not quite sure I am completely convinced that those feelings aren't somewhat reciprocated on her end. And the hardest thing is having to go through my day and act like it doesn't affect me at all, it does. So I guess I'm at an impasse, what is my next move? Where is that little something inside you that guides you onto the next decision and tells you "go this way" "do this, recovery from a broken heart is this way" . I can't seem to muddle through all my options and find one that works for me. I'm starting to think I should just completely run away from this situation all together because it's not getting any better, I'm just pouring acid in an open wound (much more corrosive than salt) . I don't want him to be fake friendly and nice with me just to make me feel better, it's patronizing! I don't want her to tell me that she's never been interested in him from the beginning other than as a friend, I can see that that is not the case. You don't kiss and snuggle and do other things with someone if there's not a small little something there. I don't want to know these things but I do, it's staring me in the face constantly and I am getting to the point of complete shut down. Complete mental emotional shut down. I'm like a red glowing piece of iron that's being heated and smashed then heated to the melting point, then obliterated and hammered again. This process is going to continue until I predict that I'll become nothing more than a cold piece of steel. I'm starting to harden emotionally, after working so hard to get to that point where I let someone in and I let myself get close. I don't want to go back but I don't know how to protect myself from all this otherwise. If someone else has another way that doesn't end in me being cold and emotionless BRING IT ON! I'm willing to give it a shot!

What a way to spend a Day

Yesterday was an amazing day, which was quite the lovely surprise. I was expecting gray clouds of emotional garbage to be following me around today but NO. The weirdness that was Tuesday night vanished in an instant once I left on a hike with my friend Brad. We had made plans to run away today and go have an adventure and an adventure is what we found. We hiked up to Stewart falls at Sundance Resort and while I was enjoying being outside I wasn't feeling well and hiking in the heat was the last thing I wanted to do. When we got to the falls it was more than a welcomed relief when the freezing cold spray was hitting my face. As soon as we approached the falls I was over come with the desire to go run through it and play in the waterfall... and I did.


I wanted to explore every part of that waterfall and just sit and relax and be calm and still.

On the way back down I couldn't help but not care about all of the drama that is surrounding my life right now. Everything I was worried about or couldn't stop thinking about just vanished completely... the only thing I cared about was how completely awesome it was to be in such an awesome place. The amount of wild flowers that were along the trails was something I failed to notice on the way up. Maybe I was so incredibly over run with thoughts of him or school or whatever it was that I literally couldn't see what was right next to me. I'm so glad that on the way down I was able to take notice.




At one point I stopped to take a picture of this rad looking flower and as I was holding my phone up to the flower a bee came and landed on my finger. Instead of freaking out and waving my hand around like a maniac until the bee was no longer a threat, I just stayed still, noticing how it tickled a little as the bee walked on my finger. After my little bee friend had explored my finger enough he flew off and immediately landed again on the flower that I was holding my phone up to take a picture of... I took advantage of this perfect moment that had presented it self and snapped away. It was probably one of the coolest moments of my entire life and it was such a simple little thing that occurred.


Yesterday was amazing and it's things like this that put all the other shit we deal with in life into a little better perspective.
I hope next time that I remember to stop and smell the roses. Or at least open my eyes to whats around me because opportunities like the ones I had today don't happen all the time. FREAKING AWESOME DAY! I was able to just enjoy my surroundings and LET GO!

Out of Sight Out of Mind

The more you're away from someone that you used to have a connection with the easier it is to let them slip into the back of your mind. It also becomes easier to believe the lie that you're telling yourself "he treated me like crap, he never deserved how nice and sweet and caring I was to him in the first place" "I'm over it", etc... eventually you say those things enough that you believe them.
It is not easy however when you can't avoid this person. It's not as simple as it should be when you have to watch this person be unaffected by anything that took place over the course of your "relationship" and move so quickly onto the next thing. Having to endure his eyes that are full of hate and anger looking at me, having to shift through the silence between the two of us when we are unavoidably near each other is like a black hole that can suck out any happiness or joy that I've felt that day. It becomes something tangible that I can feel in the pit of my stomach that I can't will away as desperately as I try it creeps in and begins to thrash around destroying everything in it's vicinity.
I know logically that it wasn't a good relationship. I know that it was all very one sided and that I was making most of the effort and that I was so willing to see past HUGE red flags because I was optimistic.. or maybe I was just foolish.
Either way when I lay all the evidence out and examine it it's clear to me that it was a toxic relationship and I lost my mind and was always stressed out about never knowing if things were going to be up or down that week. If I texted him or called him would I get a reply, or would there be radio silence, sometimes for days and days. If I got too playful would it be reciprocated? If I wanted to snuggle up and be close would I be pushed away? If I mentioned that I was hurt or frustrated by all these things would that freak him out even more because being hurt means there's some kind of attachment and emotional investment coming from my end?


My amazing little brother has the ability to put the most amazing perspective on things when I can't seem to see through the pain to figure out what to do. He said so simply one day that being angry about being hurt, avoiding, ignoring or trying to escape from those feelings will only make it worse. It only feeds into more negativity and more hurt and then more anger about being hurt. He said the best way to get passed it and get over it is to just be nice, treat this person like I would treat a friend that had never been anything more than just a friend. Rewind everything and go back to the way I interacted with this person before I threw my heart on the line and keep doing that until the hurt, frustration and anger all break apart and disappear.



I can't wait for the day when I feel nothing about him, it will inevitably happen, it always does. I just don't like the waiting game. I don't like the inbetween time when you're trying to get to that point of apathy when it comes to seeing their face or hearing their name. If I could have an "on" "off" switch I'd be golden. All in due time I guess.

Beefy goodness

I'm ready to get this next and final year under way! BRING IT ON BITCHES! I'm ready to kick some ass, get my piece of paper that says I'm qualified for ________ career so that I can then take it and toss it aside and play my music. HA!
I want to live near the ocean, spend all day in hipster coffee shops or at the beach. I want to travel and see everything, but first... gotta get that damn degree. SOOOOOOOOOOON... SO SOON! I can almost taste it!

giving up...

It really sucks when someone you used to care about thinks that you've done something to purposely hurt them. It sucks even more when you know that they're being lied to by someone else but they believe it to be the truth and consequently think that you're the one that's really lying. This is one of those moments in life where I just have to completely give up, on trying to have a friendship or any kind of normal interaction because they're going to believe what they want to believe regardless of what is true.
It's not the end of the world but it does suck! I don't know what else to do other than give up.