Messed Up

There's something neither of us can break free of. I can't keep running at this pace. you puzzle over how we always end up in the same place. You play it over again in your head wondering why it just won't click, even though you say I'm great, I have all the right components. I get your message through fueled jumbled words. You've got a case of the Lonelies you've just let go of another great girl. I'm not a bit surprised to see your alias dance across the screen I pick up the line knowing I shouldn't and say hello when I really just want to scream. why can't I do whats best for me and forget everything I was hoping we'd have. Get passed all the hurt and pain you've caused and focus on all the bad. It still stings to hear you say "I'm not over her yet" of course you're not, I know it's her hand you wish to hold, her lips you'd rather kiss but just for tonight you'll pretend it's not real and use me to forget. There's no blame on either side, we're both well aware of where it's going, we can pretend all we want but it doesn't erase knowing. I tell myself next time I'll ignore the call, next time I'll be much smarter. Maybe next time I'll care more for myself, protect my heart instead of making everything harder. It's the first time we've said goodbye before the sun came up, I guess neither wants to see the damage that's been done no light to illuminate how badly we've messed ourselves up.

Say Anything

Climbing out of shadows

Love having the kind of day like I had yesterday! I felt great, confident, and apathetic towards him. HA! He means less and less to me everyday and that is a GREAT feeling! I may be slow to let go of things but every one processes things on their own time. I knew I'd get to this point, I just needed time. Now comes the fun part where I start to open my eyes and my confidence in myself starts to build back up after being knocked down a few pegs. It's all part of life and growing and even though we can't see the bright side of things when we're in the midst of shadows and emotional hurricanes, it's there, waiting for us to climb out of everything and enjoy the light again. Now I must go dance and enjoy my life, it is a beautiful one after all =) WOOOOOOT!

Things that are beautiful!

I love organic looking jewelry, I'm not a huge fan of sparkly, super shiny blingy type things. I like understated classy but occasionally quirky and always unique items

I love to cook as well, I enjoy being healthy and I feel that the best way to do that is to know what is in the food you're eating and how it's prepared. Best way to do that is make it yourself. New recipes are fun to try! However I don't like cooking for just one, I love to make meals for others, the more the merrier! MUSIC! of all kinds, I love what it does! But acoustic guitar, singer/songwriter, lyric driven music hits me in the center of my heart!

Anything that inspires creativity! Creativity is the foundation of who I am. It fuels my passion for life.

and a few randoms that make me smile... eyes.

A romantic heart. an open heart. the little quirks that people try to hide from others because they want to appear "normal", when a boy pays attention to my little quirks and only likes me more because of them not in spite of them. dancing uninhibited, rain, trees, the beach MOUNTAINS snow sun small little kisses on my forehead the beautiful smile of a friend

sushi, books, coffee shops, friends, traveling, new places, new experiences. LIFE!

I Wont Give Up

Back in the day if I was hurting I could always turn to music and it was an amazing cure for anything I was going through... I felt like I had lost a little of that until I heard this song. It made me fall in love with music all over again.






When I look into your eyes
It's like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise, so much they hold
and just like them old stars
see that you've come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?
I wont give up on us
even if the skies get rough
I'm given you all my love
I'm still looking up
and when you're needing your space
to do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting
to see what you find
Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We got a lot to learn
god knows we're worth it
No I wont give up
I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences do a lot to teach us how to use the tools and gifts we got
Yeah we got a lot at stake
and in the end you're still my friend
at least we did intend for us to work
we didn't break
we didn't burn
we had to learn
how to bend
without the world
cavin' in
I had to learn
what I got
and what I'm not
and who I am
I wont give up on us
even if the skies get rough
I'm given you all my love
I'm still looking up
So easy is our life
what's mine's yours and yours mine
hardly do we ever find
we'd rather be kind
I wont give up on us
even if the skies get dark
I'm healing this broken heart
and I know I'm worth it
I wont give up on us
God knows I'm tough
I am loved
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No I wont give up on us
God knows I'm tough enough
We got a lot to learn
and we're and we're worth it
No I wont give up.
No I wont give up.

Pretty much this song makes me feel like my heart is still capable of great things.

Selfish

Dear you, yup you. If you could just go away that'd be great. This would all be much MUCH easier for me. I could stop dreading the days that I know I won't be able to avoid you. I would be able to squash thoughts of comparing myself to you and seeing a mountain of flaws. I could nurse this pit in my stomach that burns and screams at me and won't let me sleep. I could stop hoping that maybe someday it'll eventually all workout in my favor. I would finally be able to break passed that first barrier and begin to move on. You're not helping the situation. In fact your making it worse and I really wish more than anything right now, that you would just go away! I know it's selfish and maybe that's wrong of me but I feel like I deserve a little bit of selfishness after all this B.S I've been through.

Hard as Steel, Cold as Ice!

I've literally started the first line to this blog about 7 different ways so far. Erased all of them. I don't have the patience for clever words or ambiguity right now. The bottom line is my heart is still hurting, I still care about him, yes I know that's all I've been able to talk about for a while but whatever I'll keep talking until it doesn't hurt. It's almost unbearable seeing the way he looks at her, the way he wants her, I'm not quite sure I am completely convinced that those feelings aren't somewhat reciprocated on her end. And the hardest thing is having to go through my day and act like it doesn't affect me at all, it does. So I guess I'm at an impasse, what is my next move? Where is that little something inside you that guides you onto the next decision and tells you "go this way" "do this, recovery from a broken heart is this way" . I can't seem to muddle through all my options and find one that works for me. I'm starting to think I should just completely run away from this situation all together because it's not getting any better, I'm just pouring acid in an open wound (much more corrosive than salt) . I don't want him to be fake friendly and nice with me just to make me feel better, it's patronizing! I don't want her to tell me that she's never been interested in him from the beginning other than as a friend, I can see that that is not the case. You don't kiss and snuggle and do other things with someone if there's not a small little something there. I don't want to know these things but I do, it's staring me in the face constantly and I am getting to the point of complete shut down. Complete mental emotional shut down. I'm like a red glowing piece of iron that's being heated and smashed then heated to the melting point, then obliterated and hammered again. This process is going to continue until I predict that I'll become nothing more than a cold piece of steel. I'm starting to harden emotionally, after working so hard to get to that point where I let someone in and I let myself get close. I don't want to go back but I don't know how to protect myself from all this otherwise. If someone else has another way that doesn't end in me being cold and emotionless BRING IT ON! I'm willing to give it a shot!

What a way to spend a Day

Yesterday was an amazing day, which was quite the lovely surprise. I was expecting gray clouds of emotional garbage to be following me around today but NO. The weirdness that was Tuesday night vanished in an instant once I left on a hike with my friend Brad. We had made plans to run away today and go have an adventure and an adventure is what we found. We hiked up to Stewart falls at Sundance Resort and while I was enjoying being outside I wasn't feeling well and hiking in the heat was the last thing I wanted to do. When we got to the falls it was more than a welcomed relief when the freezing cold spray was hitting my face. As soon as we approached the falls I was over come with the desire to go run through it and play in the waterfall... and I did.


I wanted to explore every part of that waterfall and just sit and relax and be calm and still.

On the way back down I couldn't help but not care about all of the drama that is surrounding my life right now. Everything I was worried about or couldn't stop thinking about just vanished completely... the only thing I cared about was how completely awesome it was to be in such an awesome place. The amount of wild flowers that were along the trails was something I failed to notice on the way up. Maybe I was so incredibly over run with thoughts of him or school or whatever it was that I literally couldn't see what was right next to me. I'm so glad that on the way down I was able to take notice.




At one point I stopped to take a picture of this rad looking flower and as I was holding my phone up to the flower a bee came and landed on my finger. Instead of freaking out and waving my hand around like a maniac until the bee was no longer a threat, I just stayed still, noticing how it tickled a little as the bee walked on my finger. After my little bee friend had explored my finger enough he flew off and immediately landed again on the flower that I was holding my phone up to take a picture of... I took advantage of this perfect moment that had presented it self and snapped away. It was probably one of the coolest moments of my entire life and it was such a simple little thing that occurred.


Yesterday was amazing and it's things like this that put all the other shit we deal with in life into a little better perspective.
I hope next time that I remember to stop and smell the roses. Or at least open my eyes to whats around me because opportunities like the ones I had today don't happen all the time. FREAKING AWESOME DAY! I was able to just enjoy my surroundings and LET GO!

Out of Sight Out of Mind

The more you're away from someone that you used to have a connection with the easier it is to let them slip into the back of your mind. It also becomes easier to believe the lie that you're telling yourself "he treated me like crap, he never deserved how nice and sweet and caring I was to him in the first place" "I'm over it", etc... eventually you say those things enough that you believe them.
It is not easy however when you can't avoid this person. It's not as simple as it should be when you have to watch this person be unaffected by anything that took place over the course of your "relationship" and move so quickly onto the next thing. Having to endure his eyes that are full of hate and anger looking at me, having to shift through the silence between the two of us when we are unavoidably near each other is like a black hole that can suck out any happiness or joy that I've felt that day. It becomes something tangible that I can feel in the pit of my stomach that I can't will away as desperately as I try it creeps in and begins to thrash around destroying everything in it's vicinity.
I know logically that it wasn't a good relationship. I know that it was all very one sided and that I was making most of the effort and that I was so willing to see past HUGE red flags because I was optimistic.. or maybe I was just foolish.
Either way when I lay all the evidence out and examine it it's clear to me that it was a toxic relationship and I lost my mind and was always stressed out about never knowing if things were going to be up or down that week. If I texted him or called him would I get a reply, or would there be radio silence, sometimes for days and days. If I got too playful would it be reciprocated? If I wanted to snuggle up and be close would I be pushed away? If I mentioned that I was hurt or frustrated by all these things would that freak him out even more because being hurt means there's some kind of attachment and emotional investment coming from my end?


My amazing little brother has the ability to put the most amazing perspective on things when I can't seem to see through the pain to figure out what to do. He said so simply one day that being angry about being hurt, avoiding, ignoring or trying to escape from those feelings will only make it worse. It only feeds into more negativity and more hurt and then more anger about being hurt. He said the best way to get passed it and get over it is to just be nice, treat this person like I would treat a friend that had never been anything more than just a friend. Rewind everything and go back to the way I interacted with this person before I threw my heart on the line and keep doing that until the hurt, frustration and anger all break apart and disappear.



I can't wait for the day when I feel nothing about him, it will inevitably happen, it always does. I just don't like the waiting game. I don't like the inbetween time when you're trying to get to that point of apathy when it comes to seeing their face or hearing their name. If I could have an "on" "off" switch I'd be golden. All in due time I guess.

Beefy goodness

I'm ready to get this next and final year under way! BRING IT ON BITCHES! I'm ready to kick some ass, get my piece of paper that says I'm qualified for ________ career so that I can then take it and toss it aside and play my music. HA!
I want to live near the ocean, spend all day in hipster coffee shops or at the beach. I want to travel and see everything, but first... gotta get that damn degree. SOOOOOOOOOOON... SO SOON! I can almost taste it!

giving up...

It really sucks when someone you used to care about thinks that you've done something to purposely hurt them. It sucks even more when you know that they're being lied to by someone else but they believe it to be the truth and consequently think that you're the one that's really lying. This is one of those moments in life where I just have to completely give up, on trying to have a friendship or any kind of normal interaction because they're going to believe what they want to believe regardless of what is true.
It's not the end of the world but it does suck! I don't know what else to do other than give up.

Warning: Mean Girl!!

I've never really considered myself a mean person. I don't like when people are angry or offended by me and i try to fix it when that does happen. On several different occasions lately, I've been told that I come across mean, and angry, and that people view me as a bitch. This hurts. It really sucks... what sucks worse is knowing that my peers see me this way but I don't know what I'm doing exactly to give them that impression. I try to be nice to people but maybe it's just part of my personality. Maybe I'm just one of those not nice people that other people avoid.
I don't want to be that person, I don't want people to be afraid of me or intimidated by me and as a result avoid me all together. It really sucks being told that you have a crappy personality and that a large number of people you associate with on a regular basis think you're a crappy person. I need to figure out what I'm doing wrong and how to fix it. Maybe I need some kind of professional help, or maybe I need to take some kind of medication... Maybe I am mean and intimidating and a bitch, maybe I just thought I was nice when really I'm a jerk. I really need to figure out how to fix this. Or at least figure out how to fake it really well. There's a saying that goes "crazy people don't know their crazy", maybe the same holds true for mean people. Maybe I am all the things that people think I am and I just don't know it yet.
I need to learn how to not be mean. Maybe that means I should just not talk to people as much. I really don't know what it is I'm doing wrong so until I figure it out I should probably just keep to myself.
OYE! This freaking sucks!

Douche Magnet...

Why? why do I put up with crappy people? How is it that when they're being nice and sweet and paying attention to me I can forget how shitty it is when they ignore me or are cold and aloof. I'm reaching the end of it. I'm not going to waste my time on someone who doesn't give two flying shits. Seriously?! Maybe I've been too nice, too sweet, too patient... I had a guy ask me out and I said no cause I didn't feel okay about going on a date with another guy when I've been seeing him... even though he freaks out once a week about the whole "relationship stuff" and he can go several days without so much as a hi how was your day text. So why am I wasting my time on someone that barely seems interested when there's a guy who seems very interested wanting to go out. Why? I don't effing know why other wise I would have told him to go screw himself and not wasted any time on him. GRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH.

sheesh

Isn't that pause between the end of spring semester and the beginning of fall semester supposed to be fun?! ... what's it called again?!?! oh yeah, summer "break", no wait that's not right, there's no break for me... so it should really just be called summer early morning classes/work right after/homework after work work/ no time for sleep. Yeah, that's pretty much what it is. So much for the damn break. I don't get one. I'd like one but then I think I would most likely get bored. It's funny when people get confused when I tell them I can't hang out because I have homework, "didn't school get out like 2 or 3 weeks ago?" why yes, yes it did.... if you aren't a complete MORON and taking a full summer semester. FML!
No time for relaxing or boys, or anything that would even be considered fun... just math, more math, smelling like beef, overly loud country music, and once again NO SLEEP!


Someone come rescue me!

I like this

Fellas: women have been hurt in the past, your job is to be steady, consistent & to show up. She will give her heart to the man she trusts.

well... so much for that!

In life, shit happens. In my life, shit happens A LOT! But that's okay because it's not the amount of shit it's the ability to keep as much of it from getting to you as possible that counts. I like to think I do a pretty good job of not letting the shit get to me. Of course that isn't always the case but when it comes to the big things I piss and moan for a few days maybe even a week but then I quickly find something to distract myself with.
For example, this semester started out rough. Lots of homework lots of hours at WORK work and no time to just be. I started seeing a fella in February, admittedly I was all kinds of giddy and excited. I had a pretty hard crush on this guy for a while and although there were times I couldn't stand the sight of his face (mostly due to a display of arrogance and inability to keep focused for more than 5 seconds) I still couldn't help but feel that nervous, "DUUUUURAAAAH... Heeeey ya" tongue tied feeling when I was around him. So when that first "let's hangout" barrier was broken or should I say bulldozed, it was freaking rad! It changed how I interacted with him and it was exactly what I needed to keep myself sane. It was not however what I needed to do well in school.
I spent far too much time trying to hangout with him with what little free time I had and what littler free time he had that I neglected to take care of the important things... SCHOOL! Freaking sack of balls! I did manage to kick some major ass in my math class thanks to my freakish love of numbers and my massive brain ;-) but everything else just went to shit. So lessen learned, don't break the first commandment of doing well in college. THOU SHALT NOT WASTE TIME ON SEXY BOYS! (NO MATTER HOW MUCH THEY MAKE YOU LAUGH). I broke this cardinal rule and now I'm paying for it. Literally, I'm going to have to take at least one class over if not two, there goes $1400 bucks down the drain. Along with it floating right there where the rest of the shit I've been through this month is said relationship with Mr. Attractive Distraction.
I could go into all the gory details of what went down and all the casualties (namely me) that resulted but I'll just leave it be. Well I will say this, some people are just really REALLY bad with timing. And also boys who get distracted easily also have a tendency to have wandering eyes, and lips, and hands... sometimes they wander all the way over to other girls. So... yeah that's that.
So up next will be a summer filled with some much needed activities that don't include any Attractive Distractions. It will be filled with the Maths which I so dearly love, rock climbing, yoga-ing ( I don't think that's really a word but we'll go with it), guitar playing, gigging out, working out, and anything that focuses on improving my health and my overall happiness, sans the boy toys. Which means I will be doing everything in my power to snuff out and smother any feelings I have left for him. Hopefully this process wont take long. Until then...

"this life is a beautiful one,
even though I've seen it coming undone
I know most definitely
it always works out the way it's meant to be
so baby keep your head up
keep it on the up and up
and know now that you've got all my...
love love love" ~tp

#'s mean nothing

.... EXCEPT when it's your age and the number keeps getting bigger.







...... OH, and when you live in Happy Valley and happen to be single.
CHEERS!

Count down....

To another year.... and so it begins. This year I'm not trying to make my birthday special for myself. If it happens it happens. I'll be content if my friends and I are having a good time just hanging out together. I don't want to think about school, work or the dating/not dating/whatever the hell you'd call it, situation.
I'm re-evaluating expectations and excepting all things and being present to what is going on now. Not what went on or what could go on... just what is. Relax and enjoy the ride... BRING IT!

signs

sometimes you really don't need to wonder or ask yourself "what the hell is going on" sometimes all you have to do is look at the evidence before you and try to comb through it rationally void of emotional investment. when you do this the answer may have been there the whole time staring you in the face but you were just too optimistic and hopeful to recognize it. I hope I never loose that foolish optimism, it sucks when your bubble is burst but it's not always the worst thing in the world.
I'm a tough cookie and very capable of brushing myself off and quickly picking up the pace and moving on. No need for hasty decisions, I'll wait it out a little bit longer but I'm not going to torture myself and be the one making most of the effort. I don't have the patience to do that anyway. Tic - Tok ...

I'm pretty sure I was over it a year ago...

Rumor has it someone from my past was not happy after the breakup.. lol Disgruntled could describe this persons overall general feeling... especially if you use the Urban Dictionary definition of the word... which I will because it fits PERFECTLY!
that is all ;-)


Disgruntled:
A grunting state of agitated displeasure assumed by egocentric engineer or sports types who are quite fond of getting their own way, by brain or by brawn, and find themselves powerless to get what they want. It is generally saved to manipulate lesser minds into capitulating to their will. Those who challenge them find this tactic pointless and extremely amusing.

the Utah way/sexy man

How do you divide your time between a sexy man and homework and a job? I guess you eliminate sleep... Done and DONE!
On another note, watching the train wreck of someones new relationship is fascinating and entertaining to me at the same time. And by train wreck I mean the fact that it's so typical Utah Mormon relationship thing that it's humorous and pathetic to watch all at the same time. But hey the ones who like to justify this type of falling in love quickly thing always go back to that standard line... "when you know it's right you just know" ... ummmm not after 3 weeks my dear... just sayin!
I need sleep but considering I get to spend some time with sexy man I'm willing to pass it up... for now.

interesting...

Every once in a while I'll get the chance to talk with someone I haven't seen or spoken to in a while. Now when this person is a guy that I used to have feelings for it's always interesting. I seem to instantly remember the good stuff. I just recently had this opportunity and instantly I was transported back to a few years ago when we were hanging out quite frequently. I liked him, I'm pretty sure he liked me but I wont be presumptuous and speak for him and say he did but I am fairly certain. We began our back and forth flirting in the winter of 07' when I met him at a Mutual friends house party. Turned out that I knew and disliked his roommate and so we chatted. I'm sure he thought I was completely bonkers but for whatever reason he tolerated it and we started hanging out. I however was kind of a turd and very flaky with the fellas that I had a thing for. Never wanting to be tied down with any thing serious I gently kept him far enough away to avoid exclusivity but close enough to feel content. This wasn't very fair to him! He was a great guy, very patient, sweet, thoughtful, super ridiculously intelligent but not arrogant about it and to top it off he had an AMAZING beard! I still remember quite fondly the night that he came to see me while I was spending the weekend with my good friend Natalie. We walked from her house to the top of her street in the cold and enjoyed a HUGE and incredibly bright full moon. He held me close and kept me warm and I buried my face in his chest and felt safe and calm. There was another time he invited me over to his parents house and I met some of his family, it wasn't hard to see why he was thoughtful and considerate himself.
There was also the time that I went to a party with Natalie where we didn't really know anyone and through a series of stupid and foolish choices on my part needed to be picked up at 1 AM. He did so without complaining and made sure I was safe. All these things are just a testament that I was a freaking moron and took this guy for granted and I am ashamed to admit it.
Eventually we lost touch and went our separate ways and that was that. After talking with him just recently it made me realize that I've never apologized for how foolish I was and that I regret not appreciating what we could have possibly had.
This isn't to say that I wish to spark something up again just that I recognize that I was a crappy friend and even more so I made it pretty difficult on the guys that tried to date me.
Here's to living and learning and hopefully improving.
=)