Freakin Balls!!!

Something is out of sorts, amiss, awry... I just don't know what. I've got so many thoughts running through my head right now. The last two weeks have been interesting for lack of a better term. They haven't been difficult, nor easy, it's just been... interesting.
I feel like I've forgotten how to be me, or is it that I'm just going through one of those phases where I become a different version of me. Is this what it's like to grow up? I think what I'm feeling really is that I've become the best me I can become by myself and I'd like to be able to share my oddities and nerdiness, love for sushi, traveling, movies, music, non-contact sports, documentaries etc.. with someone who is just as nerdy and quirky as me. I'd like to feel that familiar feeling of knowing someone so well that you don't actually have to say anything but you still manage to know how the other is feeling or even what they're thinking at times. But on the flip side I want to be able to have the type of exploratory conversations with them like I'm on an excavating mission to find the buried treasures of their thoughts. The kinds of conversations that newly acquainted compatible strangers seem to so easily have.
Recently I've found that those types of conversations are few and far between. I used to be able to sit at my favorite coffee shop in Sugar House and have these crazy conversations into the wee hours of the night, now I either don't have much invested in the other person or they don't care two licks about me. I think the latter is more or less the case for the most part.

Blah whatever... freakin balls! I'll just continue on my merry little way and keep hummin along. A partner in crime to snuggle to and geek out with would be nice though.

Upon revision I will most likely delete this post due to the "poor me" tone... I really am not bummed by this, just slightly annoyed and impatient. My face would never give it away though. A friend of mine the other day said something that I've always known about myself... for the most part, you can't tell what is going on or how I'm feeling just by the expression on my face. His exact words were "I've already picked up on the fact that Jax's facial expressions rarely indicate what she's actually feeling at the moment" ... so true.

grrrrrr

sleep, you evil evil tease... you've left me here exhausted and yet unable to doze off. I've I liked milk I would drink a warm glass, if I wasn't such a light weight I would take something, if I had someone to snuggle up to I would probably already be out. Sleep I just wanted to let you know that YOU SUCK... but I wish you would come back to me!

I keep getting this feeling that I should start mentally preparing myself for the next Phase of my life. I keep having the strong desire to pay off every little bit of debt I have and by little bit I really mean little bit. I owe less than $500.00 total not including student loans. I really REALLY hate debt of any kind. I hate knowing that the money I work hard for has to be used to pay someone else before I can pay myself.
Along with this feeling to get rid of my debt I also have the urge to save every penny I make waiting tables and hoard it all so I have at least 5K. I don't have anything particular that I need 5K for but the feeling is there all the same and I don't think I should ignore it. That being said I'm really enjoying working at Texas Roadhouse as a server. I think part of the reason is because I get to talk to people all day long and I work with some pretty cool people too. I'm saving up all the cash I get and stowing it away so I can feel super rich holding a huge wad of green!
The only down side to working so much is I have less time for school and even less time cultivating and maintaining my close friendships. It's great to have face time with complete strangers but it's surface and not like face time with close friends. For that reason and the fact that I feel a little over whelmed with school right now I'm a little stressed out, when I get stressed I seem to get sick, particularly with a cold. Maybe it's my body's way of slowing me down because otherwise I wouldn't be able to stop myself sometimes.
With that being said I'm looking forward to the last year of my undergraduate career ( and it's been a career for sure) I can't wait to be able to start Grad school, where ever that may be. All I know is I think I need to move out of Utah and go somewhere new for a while to do grad school. I am and will always be a city girl. Every new big city I visit makes me feel like I can do anything, I don't know why I feel that way but I do. I just want to go somewhere that is culturally different than Utah. I also want to TRAVEL. Ideally would like to travel with my husband but I don't know where he is yet but when I meet him I hope he's as fond of big cities and traveling and live music as I am. I also hope he likes The Big Bang Theory and Dexter!
Why am I talking about my husband?!?! I'm not even dating anyone... I feel like I'm rambling, it must be the cold medicine! Speaking of having a cold, Halls vitamin C cough drops are freaking DELICIOUS! I feel like I'm eating candy.
Okay, time to study for my math test.... I feel like the last year of school has been nothing but one big long math test study session.

Time keeps on slippin slippin slippin into the future...

The fifth floor of the library here at UVU is a lovely place to study. I have a few spots on this campus that I find conducive to getting the academic juices flowing, the library is my GO-TO spot. Down stairs in the lunch table/cafe' area is a good one because it provides enough ambient noise that I don't get distracted by or hyper focused on minute noises... like my own breathing. There's also the second floor of the library at the top of the ramp, the tables and seating there are great and there's plenty of sun light. The sunlight at times can be quite annoying though depending on where your sitting and if you're on your computer. If you're sitting in the cafe area at about 3 or 4 in the afternoon then you're going to be bombarded with sun DIRECTLY shining on your computer screen making it very difficult to see what you're working on. However the heat balances out the freezing cold temperature UVU has dictated that the library must maintain at all times regardless of the outside temperature. For a while I tried studying on the 4th floor or the library but found out quickly that 55 degrees was just far too cold for me to be able to concentrate properly. Also it's so dang quiet there that the tap tap tap of my laptop key board is so loud I feel like I might as well be banging on a marching band type drum... I feel as though everyone is secretly harboring feelings of animosity because my typing is so loud, I guess I could do my facebooking in a not so studious part of the library. The fourth floor is designated strictly for those doing homework via paper. So here I sit on the 5th floor, I feel like Goldy Locks, I've found my not too hot, not too cold, just right study spot. Plus the view of the lake from up here is kinda nice too.
I've been restless lately, I feel like there is something bothering me but I can't really pin point what. It could be partly because I'm feeling more and more disconnected with my ward, which is probably my fault but I find it difficult to relate to or develop close friendships with people who've JUST graduated high school. Lately I've been wanting more and more to have an apartment to myself, no roommates, just me. Not that I don't like my roommates but I just kinda want my own space to govern as a dictatorship and not live in a democracy. Just me and my puppy Duchess in a place where I can have things just the way I like it. Knowing me though I'd probably get lonely really quick and want someone else living there just so I wouldn't get bored. Who knows maybe I'm just feeling reclusive lately and need a change of pace to shake things up... now that I think about it I could definitely use a good shaking, I am willing to accept offers from handsome fellas for the task at hand!
I'm feeling the time crunch of an impending 8 page paper... of course I've waited till the last minute to work on it. I tell myself every semester that I will get ahead and do everything before hand annnnnnnd it never happens. GRRRRR I'm trying to change habits of procrastination but I just keep putting it off. Maybe someday I'll be super girl getting things done ahead of time. But for now the clock is ticking down and I've got 8 pages of personality profiling to fill.

Ahhh The dating game

So... I had no idea how serious everyone was about dating down here in Orem until I started getting off handed comments when my age was revealed to my classmates.
Sample conversation:
person: whats you're major?
me: psychology, I plan to go on and get my masters.
person: oh that's really cool. What year in school are you?
me: Junior.
person: How old are you.
*here's where it gets interesting for me...
me: how old would you think I am?
person: I don't know maybe 21, 22.
me: I'll be 26 soon.
person: WHOA?!?! REALLY?! NO WAY?! I would've never guessed. Are you married?

This is just an example of the way many conversations I've had this school year. More often than not the conversation then takes a turn to marriage and if I'm dating anyone or if I want to get married... etc. I guess I didn't realize till this year that in Utah, (especially in Utah County) if you're female, single, and passed the age of 23, you're a rare and usual specimen. It makes dating interesting as well... I find myself dating guys who are 2-3 years younger than myself and for the most part it's not that big of a deal but at times I feel at odds with things. I would have to say that for me being almost 26 and single isn't a big deal. It's only become a big deal this last year when I've been informed of how unusual and uncommon it is. I enjoy the comments that people give when they think I need to be comforted, as if I'm in emotional turmoil because of single sister status.
Dating seriously is another thing that I've never really thought about until this year. Before when I would date a guy it was mostly just for fun. I knew that it would never really go anywhere because they were guys I'd meet at house parties or bars. Now that I've been considering things a little more seriously the guys that I've been dating appear differently to me, I see the whole dating game in a different light. I've learned a few things recently.
* I want to get married in the temple
* I want my husband to have the preisthood
those are the two main qualifiers the rest of this list is just things I'd prefer... a shopping list of traits if you will.
* I would like to be able to wear 4 inch heals and have him still be taller than me (or at least the same height) being 5'10 myself makes this one a little more difficult to find. I had it once and it was AWESOME!
* I would like him to sing and play the guitar... why? because I'm a sucker for a musician!
* He needs to be funny and have a similar warped sense of humor to mine and my family. My brothers talked about the kinds of tricks they can do with their male parts one year during Christmas dinner... that should give you an idea of how "warped" I'm talking here. I recently dated a guy that made me laugh ALL the time... I was seriously considering in investing in some adult diapers because I was sure that at some point he would make me laugh to the point of peeing my pants!
* He needs to be into exercising and eating healthy. I don't want to be a fatty, have a fatty husband or fatty kids!!!
* I would like to be able to share my musical interests with him.
* He MUST like sushi!!!
* I'd prefer him being open to living in Cali... particularly San Diego.
* Enjoys traveling

These are mostly minor things that aren't deal breakers but I do enjoy these qualities. What sucks is when you find someone with all of these qualities and everything matches up and there's an amazing physical chemistry as well and yet... it just doesn't work out. I can't blame him for doing what he felt was right but... still sucks! I felt super comfortable with him, laughed all the time, jammed... it was good.
oh well this is just part of the process of sifting through everything to find the ones that compliment me the best...

I want to go back to being uneducated!

I spent 8 hours in the library yesterday studying my biology book. I was super efficient at taking notes and actually understood what I was reading (HUGE SHOCK)!
I am not a scientifically inclined person so this biology class is basically like pulling teeth for me. It probably doesn't help that I also want to punch my professor in the balls! His advice when I said I was struggling despite my long hours reading and studying.... "read some more, study harder" ... pretty much word for word that is what he said. Not only that but his lectures are scattered and he often throws in commentary that has absolutely NOTHING to do with biology. I think he just likes to hear himself speak. Well this class is probably going to be a wash for me for a few reasons... The ones I mentioned above as well as the fact that by the time I get to my biology class, which is right after 2 hours of math, my brain is FBAR (F'd Beyond All Recognition) and I have no brain space left to shove anymore info in there. I have a bio test today. I'm not expecting to do very well but I HOPE HOPE HOPE that I will be able to guess correctly at least. Oh also... another reason why I HATE this professor... a 15 page study guide.... 15 PAGES???? WTF!?
Oh did I mention I also have a math test Tomorrow... and like 8 sections of a zillion math problems to catch up on. YAAAAAAY!
I can't wait for spring break... I want the learning to just stop for a while...

To Chose or Not to Chose?

I have recently discovered that sometimes there are certain aspects of your life that you have less control over than you might like. I could say this about how I came to live in “Happy Valley” and joined the ranks of those attending Utah Valley University. When I was 18 and fresh out of high school I didn’t really care much about where I was going or what I was going to do when I got there so I followed some friends of mine up to Logan Utah and enrolled at Utah State. At the end of my two-year stint I left Logan with a collective knowledge that would be less likely to help me in the working world and more likely to benefit me in any local bar. I was leery to move back to my parent’s house in Magna but I was grateful for the fact that I would no longer have to wake up to the smell of cow dung and sheep urine, a typical aroma floating around USU’s campus in the morning. I quickly got in the groove of spending my free time with fair-weather friends at my favorite bars; I also very quickly forgot the values and morals I was raised with. The things that I learned while growing up in an LDS family were no longer affecting my decisions. As my social life was expanding I was losing the person that I knew I was. The lifestyle that I had grown accustomed to for the last 7 years flipped upside down on its self. I was left staring a huge fork in the path that would be my life; I just didn’t know which way to turn.
My first experience with college life was great; I did everything that any upstanding good Mormon girl would do after leaving the confines of her religious nest. I discovered and was educated in Kings cup, I Have Never, and Bull Shit 101, some of the best drinking games around. The entire two years I spent up at USU were occupied with staying up too late, sleeping through the majority of my classes, and hanging out with the ever so upstanding group of gentlemen otherwise known as Frat Guys. It was these wonderful future leaders of our society that introduced me to the magic of social lubrication. The classes that I did manage to attend were always my theater courses, this was partly because they were enjoyable and partly because the group of friends I made in those classes were some of the best partiers I had come across. Occasionally I went to a Biology or Geology class, that consequently I failed; however if there were any classes on drinking I would’ve most definitely received an A++. While attending Utah State everything I did was about partying and having a good time and trying to figure out who I really was outside of parental control, unfortunately I went about it the wrong way.
Two years later and I was moving back to my parents home in Magna. I quickly enrolled at Salt Lake Community College to appease my parents and began hitting up my favorite watering holes with my drinkin’ buddies. I had left Utah State but I had brought back my party attitude and desire for always having a good time. Tensions grew between my parents and I due to the difference in opinion about the way I was living. I moved into my own apartment in the heart of down town Salt Lake where everything I could possibly want was within either walking distance or a quick scooter ride. I had a great job, plenty of disposable income and a plethora of friends who were merely a quick text message away and always willing to join me at the Tavernacle, Piper Down, Gracies, or any other over priced down town bar. I was living a great life, enjoying being young and carefree, and not having any real responsibility or at least I thought I was. A down turn in the economy and one lay off due to budget cuts later and I no longer had disposable income or any income for that matter. I was forced to make a decision about my future and quick. Going back to school was the best option. I knew I needed a better education if I wanted to have a better chance at financial security later in life so I applied to the University of Utah. My horrible grades from Utah State and the few classes that I had taken at SLCC were no where near what they needed to be to get into the U. Fortunately for me UVU was open enrollment and was accepting pretty much every one and their dog.
Utah Valley University wasn’t my first choice of school. Hell it wasn’t even my second or 3rd. UVU was probably second to last on my list of University’s I wanted to attend for the remainder of my academic career, the last being BYU. But here I am part of the crowd, a Wolverine attending UVU in the great Happy Valley where everyone wears their religion like a status symbol instead of internalizing it and making it personal. Being raised a Mormon outside of Utah by parents who didn’t join the church until they were adults, caused me to have a different outlook on my religion. My family and I enjoy the fact that we’re not like typical “Utah Mormons”, those who follow the culture and not the spirit of the religion. Moving down to Orem and being immersed in and surrounded by everything Mormon, I couldn’t help but begin to thaw. My spirit, and the person I was slowly started to shine through once again after the alcohol from the last shot had long since left my body. I discovered that the people I considered my friends up in Salt Lake didn’t care to keep in contact with me after I moved, it was as if I had never been a part of their lives. I have since taken the trash out so to speak and I rid my life of people who don’t truly care about me. I’m now surrounded with an amazing core group of friends who genuinely care about my well-being. Whether I’m a good upstanding member of their congregation or if I let them see that I’m human and prone to making very dumb mistakes it doesn’t matter to them. They love me regardless and I feel that the path I’ve taken in the proverbial fork in my life has led me to a good place. I feel at peace now with who I am and the way I am living my life more than I ever have. At first I lived in Orem Utah because the only University that I could afford and would accept me was UVU. Now I live in Orem because I feel like I was guided here and at this moment in my life it’s where I’m supposed to be.