shut up brain!

So lately I've been plagued with thoughts, all kinds of thoughts. I wonder about my future and what it holds. I know that a large majority of my future is in my own hands but I still wonder. I wonder what direction life will take me once I graduate. Grad school? Marriage? Kids? I know that I've been feeling restless, unsettled, I've been feeing a longing for something that I'm afraid to acknowledge out loud that I will probably never have. I almost let slip my fears and concerns and thoughts early in the morning but kept it under wraps, well for the most part. I don't want to reveal how I really feel because I fear once those facts are placed before me, it will all come crumbling apart. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't what's going to happen, I have this looming fear that I'm the one that's going to get pummeled. oye.

Walking Dead...

Today is Sunday which means it's WALKING DEAD tonight. Since I work every sunday night I don't get to watch it until Monday when it makes it to my On Demand list. However I spend pretty much every sunday thinking about what would it be like if the zombie apocalypse did happen. I used to be terrified of zombies, I couldn't watch ANYTHING that had zombies in it. Then this new show "The Walking Dead" started and I was dating a guy who LOVED everything zombie. He wanted me to watch it with him so I obliged and could barely make it through the first 2 episodes. Even then I was watching through my fingers because my hands were over my face. Now that I've had more exposure I'm not terrified, I still wouldn't WANT the zombie apocalypse to happen but if it does I know I'd totally kick some ass! I'd make sure I had some nice stretchy jeans so I could run and move easily, I'd rock my favorite boots. Get myself a compound bow so I could be hardcore like Daryl. I'd probably also rock some dreads cause lets be honest aint no body got time for hair care when we be fightin zombies. Of course you'd have to have some pretty good knowledge of how to bust out a fire without matches. Make a shelter out of sticks, leaves, moss or whatever else is around. If I was really ambitious I'd probably try and build some kind of tree canopy, shelter cause aint no zombies climbin no trees! I think I'd probably pee my pants if the zombie apocalypse happened but then I'd swallow my fear grab a hold of my balls and kick some serious zombie ass!

won't you be my neighbor...

awkward moment when the guy that lives 2 floors below you can be heard screaming dirty nasty things through your vents... pretty sure he is partaking in some dubious behavior whilst he'w watches interesting videos... It's always about this time of night on the weekends and he's pretty dang vocal. If only I had ear plugs... If only

Valentines Shmalentines

I wish I was on vacation. I want to go somewhere warm, lets be honest I always want to be somewhere warm. I would be so happy if I lived somewhere that never got below 50. Sometimes this bitter cold that we have here feels like 1000 tiny little teeth biting at your skin, makes you lethargic, makes you want to hibernate under your covers... More than being on vacation I want to be on vacation with someone that is special to me, someone to share sweet tender moments with. Someone to kiss me on the forehead as a silent, sincere way of letting me know they love me. Reaching out as we're walking looking at whatever is around us and finding my hand and enveloping it with their own. Just being happy with someone who makes you feel electric inside. No I am not longing for this because Valentines day is literally hours away. I've never been big on Valentines day to begin with, never had someone that was important enough to me to feel the need to do something on Valentines day. I did have one Valentines day that ended with the start of a tumultuous relationship. That was when the charmer with the silver tongue and I began our little back and forth dance that lasted for longer than I care to remember. After a long day of work, serving others I got home and showered thinking I'd just crash and watch some TV but found myself hauling my guitar to his place after a few flirty texts back and forth. So I don't necessarily have a good track record when it comes to Valentines day. The girl in me though would love to have that stereo typical Valentines day where I get some cheesy flowers and something that sparkles... lol I've never gotten jewelry before as a Valentines gift and I think I've only ever gotten real jewelry from my Dad on my 18th birthday. I guess thats the kind of gift that you only get when the relationship is pretty serious... Never been in one serious enough to warrant something like that I guess. There is someone that I wish I could see on Valentines day or anyway actually for that matter! It hurts that I don't get to have him a part of my life on a daily basis. It's ridiculous how much I miss him! I miss talking to him the most. I miss sitting listening to music for hours sharing something that we're both passionate about. sigh...

Family photo flash backin

found some family photos that I had never seen before.... some of them are just adorable some made me laugh so hard I was almost crying...

AAAAWWWWEEE how adorable... New born me... I like to think my new born niece looks a little like me...

However newborns look almost all the same to me anyway sooooooooo I guess maybe the similarities are that we're both squishy babies in these pictures.

This picture is not the greatest quality but the memories behind it are SOOOOO awesome. My grandfather, or Daddan as we called him, owned a boat shop down in Ft. Worth called Fore and Aft Marine. This is a picture my my older bro Rich and I in the Run Tank. A run tank is where they'd wash down the boats and check the motors in the water to make sure everything was working correctly. Occasionally Daddan would change the water and clean out the run tank so Rich and I could go swimming... sometimes the guard dogs would join us. It was always fun and I remember LOVING ever second of it! Daddan would also open up his vending machines and let us grab a drink and snack. My favorite was a root beer and Moon pie oooor those cheese crackers with peanut butter. Good times!

this one is just funny, me sitting back like a boss eatin some cake.. haha

Gramps and I...

Older bro dressed as a cowboy.... SOOOOOO glad my parents got over the Themed photos by the time I came around!!

Rich just being hilarious... watering the lawn.. lol

HALLOWEEEEEEEN

My older bro Richard A. Campbell the 2nd, Dad Richard S. Campbell, and Gramps Richard A. Campbell 1st .... this picture made my heart so happy. All 3 generations of Richards in my family together, smiling, happy... <3

I've got the most amazing brothers that any girl could ask for!!!

Until I was about 12 years old whenever my older brother and I were out together people thought we were twins... I never understood why but looking through some of the family pictures I can see it now. I used to make us SOOO mad, especially Rich since he was 2 years older than me... lol

And this last photo had me laughing soooo hard, and the more I look at it the funnier it gets. I don't know what was going through my head, if I was posing for the photo or if I was just hanging out like a BOSS, leaning against the fence all nonchalant, blowing a bubble, rocking out to my boom box... SERIOUSLY... I was such a weird kid!

I miss you

There's no way around it. There's no way to extinguish it. I miss you! I miss our endless conversations about anything, everything and nothing at the same time. I miss how happy you made me every single day. I miss how excited I would get whennmy phone would go off and I'd see your name on my screen. I feel empty and dull without our interactions. This sucks! I hate it! I miss you!

Trying something new

Today I'm gonna pluck and strum around on my little bro's uke... See what I can teach myself ....

Stupid nuts making my face blow up!!

Why do I keep hoping that I'll come home from work and be surprised and see the one thing I want more than anything right now? I feel like there's something missing, I know exactly what it is... That little electricity, buzz of excitement I'd feel when my phone would go off. That's gone. I hate it. The silence is torture....
On a side note I was offered some chocolate from See's candies tonight at work which was awesome, LOVE it when I get free candy. I'm pretty careful when it comes to candy and chocolates and desserts to always check and make sure there aren't any walnuts, pecans, cashews or Brazil nuts in them. A cherry Bon Bon seemed innocent enough so down the hatch it went... Well it must have had a tiny piece of nut on it somewhere cause 30 minutes later and my eyes were swelling up and my throat was starting to feel tight. Luckily I had my epi pen in my bag.... However I dropped it and the spring loaded part that injects the medicine broke... Sooooooo I had to rush home to find my back up and use that. Those bad boys cost $70 a pop... So basically tonight was a bust cause I just used up 140$ of epi pen... Uuiuuuuuuuugh. I need a good snuggle.

Music is...

Music is my therapy. Music fills me with whatever could be lacking. Music calms troubled thoughts. Music helps me express what I can't articulate with words alone. Music centers me. Music heals. Today music is my companion and is serving as a blanket and snuggle buddy. Today music is filling in for something I've had to let go of and completely walk away from. Today music is everything.

Trash trash trash

Yesterday was a day, that's for sure. Emotional roller coaster, the reasons don't matter but let me just say my heart was uneasy, my mind was uneasy, everything was just a big ol' pile a poo.
When I got to work I didn't want to take my head phones out, didn't want to talk to anyone, didn't want to deal. To top my evening off I had to deal with a falling down sloppy drunk at my bar top and one of my regulars offering me money in exchange for showing him one of my nipples... Nothing like having someone even think that, that's an okay thing to ask. Being treated like a piece of trash whore was the topper on the whole shit cake....
Glad yesterday is over....

You should always listen to your inner Jiminy Cricket

It's time to be smart, listen to the little voice that was saying "maybe you shouldn't do that". Acknowledge that there's a reason that voice is telling you that before you do something really STUPID! Sometimes you can't control who you have feelings for, but you can control whether you allow yourself to develop more deeper feelings... and sometimes it's necessary to nip it in the bud before you're in too deep. Sometimes those decisions are made easier for you because it's the only option, there is no other choice, it's been made for you. Whew... having that decision taken out of my hands makes it all the easier to let go and continue on. I felt uneasy and uncomfortable in the back of my mind, almost for the entire duration... I told that little voice "shut up I know what I'm doing" but I didn't. I'm glad that it's over before anything could've happened. Now... put my head down, concentrate on whats important, and CARRRRRRRY OOOOOONNNN

A little panic before bed time.

What is this sinking feeling in my gut? Like everyone is hanging out together having a great time doing awesome things and it hit's you, you weren't invited. More and more I am starting to realize (or maybe fear) that I will pass the point of being "a little older than the rest" and become the weirdo, the one that seems normal but for whatever reason she hasn't found that special someone. I feel like everyone is moving on with that "next step" in their life and I've become stagnant. Stale. passed the recommended "use by" date. I'm terrified, I don't care what anyone says... "there's no specific time frame" "it'll happen when the time is right" etc.. sometimes I find it impossible to believe that when the time is right POOF as if by some sort of fairy godmother magic my prince charming will arrive. HORSE SHIT! All the prince charmings have found their princesses when those girls were 20, snatched em up good and young. That's this culture, get married when you're fresh out of high school and barely out of mommy and daddy's house, get married and start popping out the kiddos. So when you hit your late 20's and you haven't done that yet the only explanation possible is that something is wrong. I didn't believe it before, figured that maybe the timing wasn't right... now I'm wondering if the "timing" is running off of a far bigger clock than I am aware of. I would like this panic feeling to leave me alone now cause it's really messing with my sleep.

Forgot to remember....

I forget sometimes the things that are most important to me. Over the last couple of years I've forgotten how much I love music, I've forgotten the feeling that is boiling underneath the surface, the complete elation I feel when it's just me and my guitar and my raw emotions. I've had a few momentary reminders that it's still there, that it's not extinguished. I've gotten rusty, lazy, busy, preoccupied, consumed with life but when it comes down to it music is in my blood. It's a drug that I got hooked on and ever since I've had an itch, a desire for it. I'm moved by music, I'm fueled by it. It makes me happier than anything else. Lately I've been reminded of all that again. I played last night until my fingers felt like they were on fire, I felt like I was going to explode with happiness.

So I sit with you

I find very little in this world is more troublesome to me than watching a loved one deal with heartache. Heartache that's caused by unavoidable, unforgiving life. Whatever it may be, addiction, cancer, loneliness, death, I want nothing more than to remove the cause of heartache. I feel inadequate and unable to convey how much I love and care for them and that I would do whatever they ask if it would lessen the pain and shit they're dealing with.
All my problems and crap that I'm dealing with seems so petty and inconsequential that it's easy to shake off. I stained my favorite shirt, I weigh 10 pounds more than I'd like, the boy I liked didn't pan out, it's all diminished once I place it on the scales with the unrelenting heartache of my loved ones. So I sit with them... By a fire listening to music, silence, soft sobs hoping it'll help at least a little.

Jaded? Maybe...

Conclusion. Relationships are a waste of my time. I'm tired of trying to have a positive outlook and keep my chin up.

Apathy cures what ails you

You know whats great about apathy? Lots of things! For example it can aid you when you're going to meet someone important for the first time. If you are apathetic towards the persons importance and the situation in general chances are you're not going to be nervous and do something stupid and awkward. It can also prove useful when you're playing a game, any game really,including the romantic kind. In game playing if you don't care about the outcome, score, or whether you win or lose TA-DA you've already won. I've been a little apathetic lately about certain aspects of my life and it's been kinda nice! Not having to worry about things makes life so much simpler. And that's most definitely what I need. What I don't need is drama, wishy-washy people, fair weather friends, social obligations, and so on and so forth. When I feel even the slightest hint of anything that would add unnecessary stress to my life I'm just going to simply and quietly remove myself from that situation or person and let my apathy be my guide. This in no way means I'm not going to be open to new opportunities but I'll definitely be approaching them differently. Instead of hoping I make a good first impression or get a high score or perform the best I will only concern myself with my own well being and then let everything else happen as it may. So hopefully I can conquer those stupid feelings of jealousy, frustration, shame, fear, or what else have you and replace them with bit of apathy.

out with the old in with the new

Looking back on 2011 it's quite clear that this has been one of the most emotionally, physically, mentally challenging and exhausting years I've ever had. I was taking on quite a taxing load in school and was spending every free moment I had in the library or math lab studying and studying and studying some more. I was also trying to be as healthy as I could be so when I had a moment to spare from work and school I would visit the gym. This hardly left any time for play and when I get so over run with things I HAVE to do I start to rebel against them. This happened and my grades suffered... meh. I was hopelessly school girl crush giddy over a boy who I was pretty sure wasn't all that interested in me which of course only made me want him more. and more. and more. Some how, we ended up spending time together. My theory on the "why" it all got started is loneliness, this guy was lonely and we got along well enough as friends, we had similar interests and I'm not to shabby to look at. Mix that in with a dash of loneliness and Valentines day and you've got the makings of the disaster that was my love life for the year of 2011. I fell hard, I fell fast... end result.. I got burned. No need for gory details because this blog is already littered with them but suffice it to say it didn't bode well for me. So I've decided to try and completely let go because some people will likely keep repeating the same mistakes and continue to be miserable and I need to remove myself from trying to care about them and be there for them because it does me no good. Even though this wasn't the greatest year, I've had a few months to try and piece back together my demolished heart and I started to see the light at the end of a very long tunnel. I began to date again. Went on a few nice dates but nothing of significance until around November, one guy started to stand out above the others. Ended up he wasn't who I thought he was. Turns out he's the kind of guy who scours dating websites or personal ads looking for anyone who will pay a little bit of attention to him. Texting girl after girl after girl trying to fill some kind of void or maybe he's simply just a man-whore. There were no warning signs, no red flags, no buzzers going of indicating major douchey creeper, but a douche-tastic sack of poo is what he turned out to be. It's quite a shame too because I was starting to really REALLY like this guy. I'm glad I discovered what a waste of my time he was before it got too deep. I also learned that I shouldn't go snowboarding with Douche-tastic creeps ESPECIALLY on Sundays because you will only pay very dearly for it. I paid in the form of a broken back, something I don't recommend... avoid it if you can! I had the pleasurable experience *cue the sarcasm* of breaking my back in the beginning of December, I haven't decided if I want to write about the experience in detail because it was something that shook me to my core and has been both a blessing and a curse. I'm sure when I come out on the other side of it completely unscathed I might lean more towards blessing than curse but for now it is not all sunshine and rainbows. Breaking my back was by far the big ending to this year. I learned quickly who I can always rely on and who is far to self centered to be bothered to help someone in need. I've learned to never assume you know what kind of person someone is... give them enough time and they'll show you who they really are and then you can decide if they're worth it to work it out. I'm going to try to make this next year a lot better by taking the valuable lessons I've learned about myself and life and avoid the same mistakes ... lol =) yeaaaaaaah! BRING IT!

Messed Up

There's something neither of us can break free of. I can't keep running at this pace. you puzzle over how we always end up in the same place. You play it over again in your head wondering why it just won't click, even though you say I'm great, I have all the right components. I get your message through fueled jumbled words. You've got a case of the Lonelies you've just let go of another great girl. I'm not a bit surprised to see your alias dance across the screen I pick up the line knowing I shouldn't and say hello when I really just want to scream. why can't I do whats best for me and forget everything I was hoping we'd have. Get passed all the hurt and pain you've caused and focus on all the bad. It still stings to hear you say "I'm not over her yet" of course you're not, I know it's her hand you wish to hold, her lips you'd rather kiss but just for tonight you'll pretend it's not real and use me to forget. There's no blame on either side, we're both well aware of where it's going, we can pretend all we want but it doesn't erase knowing. I tell myself next time I'll ignore the call, next time I'll be much smarter. Maybe next time I'll care more for myself, protect my heart instead of making everything harder. It's the first time we've said goodbye before the sun came up, I guess neither wants to see the damage that's been done no light to illuminate how badly we've messed ourselves up.

Say Anything

Climbing out of shadows

Love having the kind of day like I had yesterday! I felt great, confident, and apathetic towards him. HA! He means less and less to me everyday and that is a GREAT feeling! I may be slow to let go of things but every one processes things on their own time. I knew I'd get to this point, I just needed time. Now comes the fun part where I start to open my eyes and my confidence in myself starts to build back up after being knocked down a few pegs. It's all part of life and growing and even though we can't see the bright side of things when we're in the midst of shadows and emotional hurricanes, it's there, waiting for us to climb out of everything and enjoy the light again. Now I must go dance and enjoy my life, it is a beautiful one after all =) WOOOOOOT!